novel

All though summer is my favourite season, I much prefer the company of those who enjoy winter most. I don’t know what it is. But the people that like winter more normally attract me more as a friend. There is just something different about most of them that makes slotting into my life easier. Their reasons for preferring winter are normally quite interesting and raise a point to why winter is a good season, tho the only things I like about winter is cuddles and the clothing.

I met this boy once who shared my love for cats. One day he confessed to me he was actually allergic to cats. Now, if you are allergic to cats or you know someone who is you will know that they normally hate cats. So I asked this boy why he loved cats if all they did was cause him pain. His simple reply was

“They do what they want.”

set to snap

"The symptoms of a depressive episode often include an overwhelming feeling of emptiness or sadness, a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in normal sleep or appetite, and/or thoughts of dying or suicide."

In the past i have attempted to rid myself of these symptoms, i have tried possibly everything imaginable. but as time ticks buy i relise the only way i am going to starve myself of depression is to exept the fact that is is my fait as it was theirs.
"to execpt a problem you must first, confont it, dissuss and relise what has happend and why, then you must learn to live with the lost and accept the fact that no one is comeing back and you will be with them soon and that your life still gos on even tho you may want it to stop, people want you to be alive, there are people that love you. "

i have accept the fact that they are never comeing back and that i will end up the same, in saying this once i found that acceptance it did not calm me nor ease my pain. i have learnt to live with it, i speak about them but i know it is reality and i have adjusted my life so it can suit the way they are now.
depression is a dease, you get medication and you go to doctors like you do when you get the flu or the chicken pox, difference being that i will now have to live with depression for the rest of my life. this dark cloud always over my head, leading me to break down or over react at most things.
i get asked why i am upset and most of the time it is just all these little things bunched together and in the end i just snap.

and

as we do our wrongs we attempt to mend them.
we strive once more to please man kind, for we are just one indivigual and we as humans crave attention and praise and love of those of others alike.
so we blind our problems and move on in hope to one day get noticed.

Ian Ewin.

Subject:

Breeony Lee Summerville

Body:

The only person I've posted a bulletin about this year. The only person I'd drop everything & run to if she was in trouble The only person that I can say I love you to & mean it. This is not a romantic bulletin of any kind, you are the closest thing I have to a best friend & you'd be my little sister if I didn't already have one. Nobody trash-talks, abuses, hurts or uses you without having to deal with me. Everyone that knows me, knows that I'm not just saying that either.. You're not nothing bee, you are everything, just to a very select few. Remember that.

i dont know where i would be without this boy.

small bits out of the novel im writeing

story of a vegan teenager. who looses everything and gains in the end love.

not as sappy as it sounds.

these are just parts of what i have written so far.

might give you a small idea of it and the way i write.



Hey death.


It amazes me how this earth can seep by so quickly as us earthlings remain oblivious to the beauty, the nature, the cruelty and the natural disaster that our world has become. We all live in our own world, most of us choosing to block out the bad that happens in the world around them, filling their lives with fake smiles and endless relationships. There are those who are aware and just choose to feel sorry about it but remain their distance and do not interrupt the road hill track our plant is taking. Then there are those that travel to third world countries, bringing their people food and water and gifts at Christmas time. Our first instinct is to help man kind; we take petty in our own kind, when animals, plants and our earth alike are left to suffer. We take petty on man kind; we take petty on our own kind when most do not deserve our petty or help. We try so hard to please everyone around us we become stuck in that pattern and loose ourselves, even if we do not relies it we are all slipping away day by day. What the fuck is wrong with life? A broken generation that has become so self cantered we have lost most meaning to anything. We have appreciation for nothing. Do you ever wonder why you're alive? Just wish that this might be your time, your time to die. My name is Eden and I don’t stand a chance.



Getting scars.


He was wearing big black boots, a leather jacket, skinny leg jeans and a head band to help control his long blond hair when he met my mother. They were both 18, straight out of high school and set on the path for the rest of their lives. She wanted to be a flight attendant, to travel around the world. He played in a band and body boarded everyday, back when body boarding wasn’t cool. He a young man just wanting to have fun she with a dream to excel in a career.

They had both seek shelter in a book store from the violent storm that had suddenly struck their tiny home town of Ipswich by surprise while both were running errands.

She was drenched. Her white summer dress stuck to her body. He was cold and wet his long locks dripping with water. And then their eyes met, it was like an unscripted fairy tale really. Two lonely souls meet, love at first sight, he offers to buy her coffee and then spend the rest of the afternoon together talking like old friends followed by him walking her home after the storm clears laughing as they go and a goodnight kiss on her door step.

Mum kept him wanting and dad loved the chase.









Sorry I had one of my head phones in.


Often I hear girls in the bathroom at school, girls that I see around and they have little effect on me but always seem to be with a close group of girl friends and seem to have it pretty easy, as if they have excepted themselves and don’t have to live up to anyone’s judgements. I sit there and listener to them chats. From the safety of my escape stall. They chat about gymnastics, they are all into gymnastics. They talk about movies and boys, although they are the same age as I they are very immature and very naive, maybe this is what I have mistaken for self acceptance.

“I’m invisible to everyone.” I heard one girl state one day while applying her small amount of blush that she sneaks to school because her mother wont let her leavening the house with makeup on. “My parents never notice me and today Felix walked straight pasted me when I said hi to him” she went on.

Felix is the boy she likes, most girls do. I don’t really see the big fuss; girls just like it because he’s a bit metro sexual and expresses his emotions, which I find bluntly annoying.

After this small rant on being invisible her friends comfort her, tell her she’s beautiful and her parents love her and that Felix was problem just distracted or maybe had one of his head phones in the ear she couldn’t see.


Young boys and toy guns.


As children Hide and seek were Sky, thorp and my favourite game. With the three of us set loose in our house of everything we could spend a whole day playing it. As I grew older it became a game for only me. I would hide, normally in a little spot in the garden that used to be Thorps cubby house but then he broke his ankle when he fell off the big brick wall and never went back there again. Back then all the braches used to be chopped back leaving about a 4square meter clearing in our mini rain forest so he could play. It was cool and a heaven for young boys. Now it was my escape. The clearing had turned into more of a patch big enough for me to sit down on a run in and seek. Seek the meaning of things, why things were happening, and find new things out about myself. Hide and seek.



My bird cage.


The house we live in is full of clutter, well I call it clutter, dad calls it a heap of shit and mum calls it holding onto the past. Personally I don’t like a house cluttered with the past. We have photos of my brother and sister everywhere and to tell you the truth it doesn’t really help me get over their deaths.


I will eat your childeren.


befor i die i want to date a boy who wears smart looking glasses and has both sides of his nose peirced, a boy who passed university and is now in the midway struggle of finding his new caree and himself. a boy with a coulourfl mohawk that pops pills like skittles. and a boy that rides a motobike without shoe. Then i will finaly settle down with some old rich guy that shares my love for cats and i shall lounge around the pool throwing Cigarettes at the topless pool boy.

the blue tounge wants to kill me

yep, thats right.
his name is jackie chan and he lives in my garage.
and he wants to kill me.
i have to lock the dorr between the house and the garage just in case
ok
here the story of how i am now being stalked by a blue tounge.
its not very long but after it you will understand my silly rants.
ok ahh i think it was i dont know, sometime this week.
i went for a bike ride down to burleigh
and i was riding down my street on my way to burleigh and i looked on the road just as i felt i ran over something.
i looked down and i see a fucking blue tounge. (jackie chan)
so i turn around to see how much damage my peice of shit bike has done
turns out i only ran over the tip of his tail.
so i just left him.
next day i was getting some meat out of the freezer in the garage. and i hear this like massive rattle next to me and then a big think of wood fell above me, just missing my head.
so i picked it up thought it was just the wind and went inside.
next day i was about to get in the car when i heard russling in the shit next to me.
i looked down and jackie was sitting right in front of me sticking his little blue tounge in and out at me.
like normaly anything like that would shit its pants and run away
but he just sat there staring at me until i almost shit my pants and got in the car.
and today when i got home from work. jackie chan was sitting in the middle of the garage waiting for me.
so now im scared.

shallow whore

yesterday was possibly the happiest iv been in a while
i got to see my bestfriend ian
i really dont know what i would do without him
he is silly with two yucky ankles but i liked just chilling with him
weird people on the train
i sat infront of a man who was yelling at himself and next to a girl who played techno too loud
on the way up
and then on the way back i was sitting neat decent people and then this weird indian man came sat next to me and there were like spear seats not next to people
so the minurt he went to sit down i got up and moved
burn
but yes
ian is amazing.
today was cute
i started the day shit and upset but i went to work and did three little girls hair and they drew me pictures so that made me happy :)
then i just went for a bike ride down to burleigh
was so nice just to exercise and its always a nice ride there
i think i might dye my hair brown.
im pretty confused at the moment.
all in all good two days and pretty happy
gossip girl tonight XD yippy

needs

i hate this feeling
im left alone in this big empty house that is so far from home
i feel like im being watched and i need this company
the silance is killing me but im scared if i kill it i will miss a beat.
i need friends
i need a car
i need money

this generation fails
i hate my age
i hate people my age
a few go alright
so yar
nothing makes sense to me
so lately iv been feeling down
its like there no more room for a hopeful town
i need to belive in somethingnew to belive in me like i belive in you.
use our heads and open our minds
nothing changes unless we change ourselfs
pointless days with pretty clouds.
josh stayed over last night and we went to the beach and it was stunning.
and now im getting upset that i cant add dangers songs to my profile
gr
some shit house photos from my shit house camera from today and that storm ages ago






there are more but they are all shit like these ones and i cant be fucked editing them
i miss my good camera

this year

IN every persons life there is a time when they relise they do not have to change to please everyone
it might hapen when they are young or old
it might happen ater a death of a loved one or a seris of mistakes they make
what ever it is everyone must relise it one day
AT the start of the year i went "ME" serching
i changed alot, i tried new things i learnt and i grew as a person
opened my eyes to alot of things and shut my mind to others
i made the biggest choice of my life to become edge and it was possibly the best choice i have ever met.
THIS year i went through alot
i became very ill
lost two friends to suicide
and all the other dramas in between
ON my search i founf more things i like
and alot of things i do not life.
i made new friends
and i pushed them away and with that i discovered i am a mean persona nd not easy to get along with
i found some people that didnt run away when i met them and those people who are now my "true" friends.
i found my bestfriend ian nothing has been the same since i have met him. he has changed me as a person. when i met him i was on the verg of giveing up and takeing my own life.
he gave me a different look on life and for that i owe him my life.
THROUGHOUT the year i went through many stanges. and some that lasted all of one week and some that i felt added my my puzzle of life and i stuck with. i think my biggest mistake of a phase is one i made in early april. and thats really when my life changed.
it was the stage where i thought i had to change myself to how i thought people wanted me to be you could say i was quite the "try hard". that phase lead to a life changing event and that even sunk me into depression. i will always have that black cloud over my head and i have to live with this depression for most of my life.
AND so after this event i became obsessive and annoying to guys thinking they were the only thing that could numb my pain (note i was still in the change to please everyone stage)
so with myspace as my aid i assed and obsessed over guys who i now know think im a fuck head and i adgree i was then and has only been in the last four or so months when i snapped out of that stage and relised i was changing so much for everyone elese my quest to find myself had been forgotten and i had compleatly lost myself.
So in loosing yourself you relise its hard to remember who you truely are and even tho i was never really certain i did not like the person i was becomeing and the path my life was heading.
I WILL not say i do not try to please people and when every person enters your life, changes must be made to accomidate them. but i have learnt only to please for the ones who deserve it not some random you meet on myspace and think is hot, i have learnt only to change when it feels right to you and do not try to be anything just to fit in qith certain people.
SO sure i am still a bit clueless about myself and this stange world we live in but right now i am happy with my choices at this point and like the direction i am going in, and altho i still dislike myself and self exceptence is not going to happen anytime soon i continue my search for "ME"

home

i miss football
or soocer what you will
my life has stoped with this sickness
and that game is my life.

and so this is christmas
this one is going to be like all the others
fake smiles and too much food the only time my hole family comes together and trys to enjoy themself
i actually wanted to buy people girls this year.
others it had be nothing but a task but this year i actually thought about what i wanted to get each person.
but you need money to buy gifts..

so iv started at this new salon, so far so good but i know it will end up like every other job.
ill be heading there today for hours that i can hardly stay on my feet for because im still sick
mum dosnt know, she thinks im fine and i prefer it that way
i suffer by myself with no sympony from anyone.
twilight comes out today
very excited.
better go get ready
xx

on the first day.

he stood there in silence and held my hand as the boat pulled into dock.
rain danced infront of our eyes. my hair curled at the fringe and pulled back from my face.
I wore a long frock in and my best hat. he wore his uniform, the one they had been given, the one he would die in. women, infents, childeren and boys no older then 17 would get into the lard military boat that was being tied to the dock as we stood there in silence. I was 18, married, happily. he was 20, a young solider and now i had to leave him behind with his child in my stomach never to meet it's father.
the boats horn sounded, i looked up at his blank eyes, hiding the emotion he had shown the night befor, the emotion he let destroy him. he had been so excited to be a father, then this war began and we knew at once he would end with it. the sadness deepened in my eyes. i never wanted to see him unhappy and as his hand tighted on me i knew he was just that. i bent down and picked up my suit case that was once my mothers. his hand still tight in mine.
we steped into the gental rain and as it hit his face he began to cry thinking the rain would hide his tears, not from me.
his head turned to me as we reached the enterence to the boat, childeren crying, ladys wimpering around us, tho it seems it was only us. it was like the bad bit in a fairy tail, but unlike a fairy tail, nothing was going to be ok and there was no chance of a happy ending.
his lips touched mind for what would be tha last time and our bodys were at once one.
and with that i was gorn, swept with the crown, with no goodbye just the last call from his begging eyes.
the first night was the hardest, tho the never were easy. howls from destory wifes and broken childern echoed through the boat. but i stayed quite, sitting in the darkness holding my inlarged stomach, the only reason i did not feel empty was knowing he was still inside of me.
and so the night went on and even tho my life had stoped the world had and i knew this pain was going to remain.
we had met when i was 12 and he 14, if love at first sight had of been real it was what we had, when i was 15 and he 17 we married. it was the most beautiful day of my life. and now we were never to see each other again.
we were fed little on the boat for they felt it was such a big deal they had taken us away from the war that we had little other privlages. the boats were dirty and lonely with many of the women staying in bed all day suffering from depression or sea sickness.
we were going to a better land but it did not bring us hope.
i wondered the boat talking to my bub to be as i went, no one throught of this as crazy as many of the women were actully mentaly ill from the fact they had just left their husbands to die.
the childeren didnt know any better
and they ran and played around the boat excied about the new adventures ahead of them.
they elder childeren knew better tho, the older boys conforted their mothers and never left their side, they were not forced to fight and it was a choice for them to stay or go.
most of them were wise boys, knowing there was no way of survial others were forced by their mothers.
it rained every day on that boat the glum weather matching the mood of the boat.
on the 18th day i was wondering the decks speaking to my bub when i heard a faint cry, it did not sound like one of the howling women but a young man so i followed the crys to the poring rain on the front deck.
it was a young boy, probly around 16 17. he had short blond hair that driped wet in the rain and was wearing a uniform as my husband had on that last day. i stood a distance behind him not knowing what to do, i had never seen a man cry nor weep like this.
as i steped into the rain he turned his head hearing my foot steps.
he stoped his crying and stood in silence just staring into my eyes with his cold hurt eyes.
"i should be back there" he annoced in a quite voice.
"my mother lost her bother, her husband and her father to that war, how i got on this boat i do not know"
"i should be back there."
i just stood there in shock, his words makeing little sence to me.
he fell to the ground and i moved foward to confornt this broken man.
as i bent down his hurt eyes once more met mine.
"Joseph" he said with a sniffle intorducing himself
"mary" i replyied

on the 18th night i got very sick. my throat swole up and i had terrible stomach cramps, i was bed bouned. in the short time joseph and i had become good friends, the company was a big left of both our sholders. he sat by my bed while i was sick.
on the 20th day i woke with terrible terrible stomach cramps. i woke joseph who had been sleeping on the floor next to my bed these nights while i slept.
my baby. i must be haveing my baby.
joseph ran and got the ships doctor.
on the morning of the 21st day i recived news.
joseph walked quitely into the empty bunk room i layed in.
he walk to my bed side and placed his hand on mine.
his hurt eyes looked into mine.
"im so sorry" his voice broke as he spoke.
the only thing keeping me as one. the only bit of him i still had. my baby. our child.
our child had died in my stomach. stangled on the umblical cord.
our baby.
all that i had left to belive in.
"what the fuck should i being in now" i said quitly
after that the next days were a blurr
i sliped in and out of sleep and sunk into depression.

on the 34th day joseph was walking in the decks. when he heard the quite wimpering of a woman over the pouring rain.
he followed the crys to the rain the covered the front deck. standing there was a young woman possibly 18, no older. he stood at a safe distance not knowing what to do, he knew this woman all too well and her sadness broke his heart. he had fallen in love with this girl and had tried so hard to protect her in the short time they had known eachother.
she turned around to the sounds of his foot steps.
her cold broken eyes meeting his.
"its all gorn, i have nothing, no one in this new world." she said slowly struggling to get her sadened words out above the loud rain.
as she fell to her knees he kneeled to confort her.
her broken eyes meeting his hurt eyes once more.
"you have me" he replied gentaly scooping her into his arms her long brown hair splashed agenst his face in the rain.
and that day he sat with me for hours.
hours as i cried, hours in silence.
until the next day.
on that day the rain stoped for the first time.
the sun shone brightly through the grey clouds that floated in the sky.
"mary?" he said breaking the long scilence.
"yes?" i replyed croakly my throat dry from the endless crys.
"you can belive in me" joseph said as he held my head to face his gentaly.

on the 32nd day our ship arrived in our new land.
our new land that we had ran away to.
our new land where non of knew what to expect.
non of us had carried any hope.
i steped off that boat. my hand trembling in his.
with something to belive in.

puzzles.

"i rode into town just to see his face
the only face that keeps me sane
as my hair blew gentaly in my hair and my eyes stung slightly in the fresh air
i began to dream, a dream for the awake.
how did i get myself into this, and now here i am, running away from myself into the dream of his arms. His breath so sweet and warm on my face when he looks into my eyes with his.
on my bike i pass feild after feild, i pass smileing horses and grazing cattle.
leaves dance in the wind, and the afternoon sun shines off a tiny lake in the passing feilds.
only 6kms now.
everything looks fresh after last nights rain and i begin to wonder why he is my escape.
my little legs feel as if they are about to break, it is dusk now.
now the nights sky drains over me and i begin to cry.
he is escape from my real life, my perents abuse and their dissapointment. from my schooling and the pressure in my small town, the disaproveing smile for the people in town, just one mistake and it turns your life upside down. sometimes it dosnt even take that.
i have never fit into anywhere other then his arms, like a puzzle peice that had been missing from my life.
its raining now. it always rains here at night, gives our farmers new hope and our town fresh water to drink, anythings better then the drought.
my dress is soaking and my hat almost covers my eyes, my hair is flattened on my cheeks and my feet are covered in new mug.
i ride faster. into the darkness on this dirt road.
im in town now.
i slow my pace but look straight ahead. the streets are filled with loud music and the calls from strange men in pubs catch my ears as i pass.
i ride through the park to get to him quicker.
on the path i cannot see ahead of me, so i ride into this new darkness that fills my head with fear.
my pace is still slow, my teird legs can hardly move.
i collaps. my head hits the ground hard and my body and legs tangle in my bike.
i lay there, for too long, the pain seeps slowly in and out of my body. i see blood on my baby blue dress and i slowly take my hat off still lying down.
i lay there, for too long.
this was a stupid idea i think to myself as tears once again fill my eyes with this self hate.
the type of tears you know are for other reasons but you can only blame them on yourself.
my head thumps from the fall. thump. thump. thump. in time with hearts in the pubs that i passed, in time is foot steps walking in the streets.
foot steps getting closer. thump .thump .thump. louder and louder they get as the thumping in my head is replaced with panick.
thump.. thump. thump.
his cold hands are on me,
his short laugh fills the air. the short laugh of a stranger, the cold hands of a man.
i cannot move in the fear. my body to sore to fight back.
a fight i would surely loose if i was well. his strong heavy body presses agenst mine.
after the pain he leaves me. with his short laugh trailing after him,
i dont know what to do. that was not new but never with a stranger, never when i did not want to.
i lay there and let the rain wash away my new feeling of disgust, i feel so dirty.
i lay there, for too long.
then something inside me kicks.
this is what happend things get bad and i run to him, my puzzle peice.
i got up and staired down on my dirty dress that mother made me for my birthday last year.
blood, mud and rips cover my once best dress.
i know i look a mess and my puzzle peice will possibly run at the sight of me. but i get up pick up my hat and continue the path on foot.
the path gos quick my head rushed with too many emotions to think straight.
the path in the park leads to a big open street filled with shops. he works late in that shop just there. he works alone tonight and i am normaly welcome.
i limp in the direction of the store. the music from the pubs cannot be heard here and the only sounds are the rain on the pavment and my brused feet slowly stumbleing across the road. to the store that he works in.
im at the door. he has his back to me, my puzzle peice. i am still crying and the tears seem to flow more then i see him.
i knock once quietly not to startle him. he slowly turns around
and there he is, my puzzle peice, my escape, my world and my only joy.
he stops when he sees my dress stops and then picks up his pace to the door with worry pasted on his face.
he opens the door and there is a small pause, he just stairs at me with his big brown eyes and my tears flow even stronger.
then he kisses me. he has never kissed me like this and it makes me feel warm in this rain.
"come inside and we will clean you up love."
he says holding my hand and leading me into the store
my puzzle is compleat."

gripp

it was one of those pills that make you beg for the deepest sleep
the type that sends you into that sleep only to wake you countless times
and then in the morning when you finaly must leave your eyes open
leaves you feeling groggy and unpleasent
i had a terrible day yesterday
had one of my little break downs that i hadnt had in so long
its like im going backwards
spinning back into this depression that i now know has certainly not left me
sucks
off to work i go
they are just useing me
fuck that

A series of unfortunate events

so today
i lost my job
yep
my job
like
laters job
so like
now i dont have a job and shit yea?
so like
i was sick yea and they were like
yea we understand we understand dont worry we will have your job when you come back
so i come back today
still feeling like shit but i was like hey i feel bad for them ill tell them ill be good to work from this weekend on
i go in and see this chick iv never seen befor and i was like yea ok
and then my boss was like blah blah we hired someone yesterday we dont need you anymore
and i just kinda stood there in shock
and if josh wasnt there i probs would of been the biggest mess ever
so yes, hole life on pause

so tonight i get home my room has been cleaned yay and mummy has made potato bake cuz it makes me happy
dad gets home and its like 4 mins of quite and then the arguing starts
i had to eat dinner in my room with the music on as loud as it could go to block out their yelling
so after that yar i go out here
and i want to watch my shows
but dad starts on all this shit about work and i dont want to talk about it so i tell him that and he keeps going
so i get mad
voice my oppinion
tell him that he cant expect to speak to people anyway he wants and then think to get away with out people people speeking to him the same way
so i dont yell
just tell him how i feel
and then im in my room balling my eyes out
i jsut want to shop
it makes everything better
tomorrow and thursday should be good fingers crossed
goodnight

alone

so here we go
im gorwing up, so fast, like some dick head pressed the fast forward in the best bit and the movie is speeding by.
my little brother, i used to look down at him, he was so small, so innocent
he now towers over me, looks down at me, when did he get so tall?
why did my little brother have to grow up befor my own eyes
because if he is growing up i am drawn to the fact rhat i would have to be as well.
my blind eyes out of never never land and chucked into the big scary world, wide and alert to everything
dont get me wrong, i do like change and never really have stayed the same for a long period of time
the only thing i have stuck to is being edge and my soccer
everything else speeds past like traffic on a highway.
i just want to stop and savour ever moment i have
cuz soon my body my soul and my life will follow my eyes into the big wide world
and i know i wont be ready.

hey death

Black eye date tonight

with what's left of my life 'cause I've been living like I'm staring death right in its eyes and it stares back at me and whispers in my ear the way you're living now it wont be long 'till you'll be here hey death, i don't know much and this may sound trite but what the fuck is wrong with life a broken generation that's fantasized of being washed out with the tides and ill miss my memories but they've always been behind me and i look forward i doubt that many more are coming hey do you ever wonder why you're alive? just think right now might be your time time to die hey death I'm a fucking mess can you stop this beating in my chest

no dude

soo terribly over being sick
im actully getting mad
like
im yelling about it
im so over being so teird
i just want it to stop
think i might fake better lol
i need a fake tan that reminds me
shit day good people
just chilling now in my house cleaning cloths
listerning to pickles myspace song
lol
ahh i want to go back to work
i smell
really bad
ewy
man oder
sooo much thiking today
and now i have to watch a dvd
laters skaters.

sell your daughter

pretty scared ay
really hate how everything is moveing so fast
like, not time but people
people not matureing but thinking ahead
its too much
i joke about future but never think of anything seriousely
then i get these sugestions from people out of know where and its like
smack righttt in the face
slow downn
live every day like it is your last
dont expect much cuz you never know when its guna be your last day
i do not like to get attached to people
i have supidly let myself get attached so much to ian its crazy but i have a feeling he wont hurt me terriblily (touch wood)
im just scared of commitment to people i guess
i have been hurt alot and the past and future both worry me.
im not ready for much to change.

what dose blue feel like?

my fingers are aching.
i fell as if im falling into a chasm
or sinking into the mire
i cant escape
and i dont know if i really want to
i want it to be over my whole life
extinct
refusing to contemplate that blackness
within me has started to seep outwards
there is a black hole draining all my energy away
my pillow is like a sponge
night after night they soak up tears
and i dont know why im crying
we are born
learn what we need to know
and then start thinking
there must be more to this!
search for answers
find none
fall in and out of this stupid thing called love
and die
leaveing the rest of the world
unperturbed
i cought myself stareing out the window today
out into the miserable rain
i saw a bird in a tree shakeing off the rain from its feathers
and ducks in next doors yards seltering from the rain
then i saw this girl hair tangled her eyes black and cold
if eyes are the window to the soul
then mine must be empty
i am
human
and i make
mistakes
but i can
grow
and
change
i am followed by this shaddow
it follows me around
and pops up at the strangest of times
no matter how great my day is
this shaddow waits behind me
ready to pounch on any joyful emotions i choose to express
I cannot controll my shaddow
only feed it with the emotion that it wants.
just like sinking in the water
i am being pulled under
the shadows pull me under
by myself
sometimes i feel
as if i am
watching myself drown
pulling myself down
watching myself drown
my perents
my grandperents
my teachers
my boss
i can't please them
u cant understand why i have to live up to there expectations
i just want to get out of here

takeing one for the team

really can not wait till i get my new camera for chirstmas.
i broke another one last night :..
i couldnt sleep so i decided to call mitch to take me down to burleigh
we we went down to burleigh and i like start climbing on the rocks like a 3 year old
splashing in rock pools and what not with my camera in my hand
it was dark and everything was really slipery
and even tho i am possibly the best climber youll ever meet *giggles*
i often lost my balance
so i had a tourch and i was shineing it on a see snail and then slip
i like almost fell but my camera took one for the team
mitch found it funny
something tells me mums only guna get me a cheap camera next time lol
fuck
what to do what to do
i dont want to try today fuck that
i gave it a go yesterday only to end the day like poo
tho ian sent me a text and made me happy and josh was being cute and that pretty much made my day.
over rain
over being sick
over life.


last photos my camera took
they are shit fuck up but i dont care.

turn around.

heaven in crying
this good years droping like flys.
my good years wasted.
i miss him while im sleeping.
everything seems unreal at the time.
the last two weeks pasted me in a flash.
the last two weeks a mistery to me.
waiting, for the good years to pass.
im all but dead.
iv been watching him in my dream, picking up his hat from the ground.
then hes gorn. all this love i once felt for him burns fresh.
i have no strenth to pull this one back.
waiting for this shit years to pass.
my good years all wasted, blinded good with bad.
where the fuck am i. who the fuck am i.
all these lies. all these problem people, trying to make a difference
trying to get in.
trying to awake this world from its silent sleep.
this sleep of destrustion.
i dont know what i am doing here.
we are all blinded to our world, throwing up the bad so all we are left with is this annerexic world of good.
help us all swollow our pride and open our eyes.
where we see these good yars are fucked, we have ruined our life.
your hands sink deep into the sand, touch the core, feel the truth.
wake up, and turn around.
like lions do, laying peacefuly in the grass. like lions do we pounch on anyone weaker then our selfs.
now walk down here and see our world, you can try and break the train but our traders are already ruleing our life. like lions we pick on our pray.
tear them apart, until there is nothing.
and their good years are gorn.

dead

there is only one time in my life i have not hung my head low
they found me dead in this world
alone
not rape
not murdur
nor manslauter
not a dease or natural cause
not a freak acident nor did i die in my sleep
suicide.
suicide
oh how i would love to take the life out of my own lips
to present myself lifeless to a room full of people, who never knew me
i wish i could take my life without knowing that no one
not one single person knew the real me
not my mother nor father
my other family all remain oblibiouse to me
not my bestfriend
my boyfriend
my teacher
no one
not even me
so i lay in this cold death i have created for myself
ready, ready for anything.
it all feels so stange, you couldnt even begin to imagin
i lay here, no smile on my face and my head hung
to greet this death, as it was not my own.
i cant wait for the end to begin.

earthlings.

this world amazes me
my mid is so strang to the fact that i myself is a specitest
but yet i open my eyes to disust as this world turtours and taps species lower then our own
we judge them on there incompleation, there differences to our own, the skills that we have once lost or never had, but animals should not be judged by humans but by the fact that they are liveing creatures, they have feelings, wants, needs and emotion.

racest, every human has different skin, weather it is white black, yellow or green, it is skin and only used to cover our flesh, blonds and blood and without it we would be non existent. Why dose colour matter? for it is just the passing down on our ncessters, a part of us yes but not that great a part of us to lable us and for us to be judge without knowing the person who judges us. We are all people, we all want similer things, some just have better tans, smaller eyes, different relijons, and so on, but would that stop you from makeing a friend, takeing a job. All we think of is ourself, our petty self .
Open your eyes, we are all eathlings.
we share this earth, why not do it in peace.

Sexest, a person, male or female, who favours there own gender to being the more higher intelligents, more physicaly stronger and possibly every other argument you can think of. We are all sexest to an extent. We all bitch or complain about the other gender and we are forever attempting to be better. Tho this is a "mans world" in our own country we have been given every same right as a man has. We are all human, just because we have higher power over other earthlings dose not mean we should find war between each gender.

seven

went on a shopping spree today
things are looking up
i got a nice new boyfriend
things are looking up
i dont know what i would do without my bestfriend ian
things are looking up.

six

i hate this fucking city
i hate this fucking place
i hate these fucking rules
i hate my fucking mother
i hate this fucking air
i hate you fucking people
i hate this fucking house
i hate my fucking self
im so fucking mad
no matter how on top of the world i am
somehow my mother always seems to bring me down
oh i hate myself so much
and i have my stupid fucking tight cunt of a mother to blame

five

its been a while that i have ridden down to burleigh and only seen stand ups
i took some photos
please dont judge me on them im a little bit rusty, had to brush the cobwebs off my camra..






there are some more but ill edit them later.

four

walking, breath in your scent
your eyes are cold
your hands, warm on mine
for a second you stop
for a second i freeze
"do you see it?", you ask tone gental as the light breeze that flows gentily over our bodys.
i can't see it
tho i squint
tho i try
i cannot see it
you repeat, your tone harsher, filled with concern.
my throat drys, my answer chamber to my thoughts.
my mouth opens wide to scream out "no, there is nothing to see!"
but my answer remains chamber in my thoughts.

three

well that didnt last long lol
its crazy
i hate myself that much that no matter how happy i can get
reality always comes crashing down and my lack of selfconfidence and self hate creeps into the smallest cracks and makes me upset.
i dont think this will ever turely be fixed
i think i may be stuck with this problem for life
i push everyone away until finaly im left with knowone
and then
when someone actualy wants in
when someone actualy sees me as a friend
i get scared
because i know that no one ever lasts
and no one ever will
and my trust issues become a problem and once more i am pushing
pushing with all my might so im not hurt when it comes to the end
but i just realised
the only person im hurting is myself, i am the one left with no one
and in fact i am never going to make a difference in anyones life, no one is ever going too look back and be like wow
that girl was amazing i dont know what i would do without her.
no one
no one relys on me, i am unwanted, i am unworthy of anyones love
my past is so strong in my head, all the betraly
all the lies
all the pain and all the broken, still lays fresh in my mind, still paint to dry.
im broken

two

quite happy today
odd
i got my formal dress
and its nice to be happy
daddys a gem
he got the arvo off work and bought me a dress and shoes.

one

i rember his favourt colour was yellow.
i rember how scared his breath was cold on my face after we would argue.
i rember his face when he landed a new trick.
i rember how he used to hold me tight when i got scared in storms.
i rember when he said he would never let go.

letting go of someone you love, that you trust, that you wanted to be apart of your life forever isnt easy, i am yet to meet a person who would state that they take the task with ease.
its scary, how in one second how things can change.
that the person that was holding on let go and with that your hole life spirls down, with there broken grip into a pool of nothing into a world where everything is a blurr and nothing feels right.

im stuck there
i rember the night he left.
i rember the last phone call from him.
i rember the very next day.
i rember his funeral.