what dose blue feel like?

my fingers are aching.
i fell as if im falling into a chasm
or sinking into the mire
i cant escape
and i dont know if i really want to
i want it to be over my whole life
extinct
refusing to contemplate that blackness
within me has started to seep outwards
there is a black hole draining all my energy away
my pillow is like a sponge
night after night they soak up tears
and i dont know why im crying
we are born
learn what we need to know
and then start thinking
there must be more to this!
search for answers
find none
fall in and out of this stupid thing called love
and die
leaveing the rest of the world
unperturbed
i cought myself stareing out the window today
out into the miserable rain
i saw a bird in a tree shakeing off the rain from its feathers
and ducks in next doors yards seltering from the rain
then i saw this girl hair tangled her eyes black and cold
if eyes are the window to the soul
then mine must be empty
i am
human
and i make
mistakes
but i can
grow
and
change
i am followed by this shaddow
it follows me around
and pops up at the strangest of times
no matter how great my day is
this shaddow waits behind me
ready to pounch on any joyful emotions i choose to express
I cannot controll my shaddow
only feed it with the emotion that it wants.
just like sinking in the water
i am being pulled under
the shadows pull me under
by myself
sometimes i feel
as if i am
watching myself drown
pulling myself down
watching myself drown
my perents
my grandperents
my teachers
my boss
i can't please them
u cant understand why i have to live up to there expectations
i just want to get out of here