this year

IN every persons life there is a time when they relise they do not have to change to please everyone
it might hapen when they are young or old
it might happen ater a death of a loved one or a seris of mistakes they make
what ever it is everyone must relise it one day
AT the start of the year i went "ME" serching
i changed alot, i tried new things i learnt and i grew as a person
opened my eyes to alot of things and shut my mind to others
i made the biggest choice of my life to become edge and it was possibly the best choice i have ever met.
THIS year i went through alot
i became very ill
lost two friends to suicide
and all the other dramas in between
ON my search i founf more things i like
and alot of things i do not life.
i made new friends
and i pushed them away and with that i discovered i am a mean persona nd not easy to get along with
i found some people that didnt run away when i met them and those people who are now my "true" friends.
i found my bestfriend ian nothing has been the same since i have met him. he has changed me as a person. when i met him i was on the verg of giveing up and takeing my own life.
he gave me a different look on life and for that i owe him my life.
THROUGHOUT the year i went through many stanges. and some that lasted all of one week and some that i felt added my my puzzle of life and i stuck with. i think my biggest mistake of a phase is one i made in early april. and thats really when my life changed.
it was the stage where i thought i had to change myself to how i thought people wanted me to be you could say i was quite the "try hard". that phase lead to a life changing event and that even sunk me into depression. i will always have that black cloud over my head and i have to live with this depression for most of my life.
AND so after this event i became obsessive and annoying to guys thinking they were the only thing that could numb my pain (note i was still in the change to please everyone stage)
so with myspace as my aid i assed and obsessed over guys who i now know think im a fuck head and i adgree i was then and has only been in the last four or so months when i snapped out of that stage and relised i was changing so much for everyone elese my quest to find myself had been forgotten and i had compleatly lost myself.
So in loosing yourself you relise its hard to remember who you truely are and even tho i was never really certain i did not like the person i was becomeing and the path my life was heading.
I WILL not say i do not try to please people and when every person enters your life, changes must be made to accomidate them. but i have learnt only to please for the ones who deserve it not some random you meet on myspace and think is hot, i have learnt only to change when it feels right to you and do not try to be anything just to fit in qith certain people.
SO sure i am still a bit clueless about myself and this stange world we live in but right now i am happy with my choices at this point and like the direction i am going in, and altho i still dislike myself and self exceptence is not going to happen anytime soon i continue my search for "ME"