on the first day.

he stood there in silence and held my hand as the boat pulled into dock.
rain danced infront of our eyes. my hair curled at the fringe and pulled back from my face.
I wore a long frock in and my best hat. he wore his uniform, the one they had been given, the one he would die in. women, infents, childeren and boys no older then 17 would get into the lard military boat that was being tied to the dock as we stood there in silence. I was 18, married, happily. he was 20, a young solider and now i had to leave him behind with his child in my stomach never to meet it's father.
the boats horn sounded, i looked up at his blank eyes, hiding the emotion he had shown the night befor, the emotion he let destroy him. he had been so excited to be a father, then this war began and we knew at once he would end with it. the sadness deepened in my eyes. i never wanted to see him unhappy and as his hand tighted on me i knew he was just that. i bent down and picked up my suit case that was once my mothers. his hand still tight in mine.
we steped into the gental rain and as it hit his face he began to cry thinking the rain would hide his tears, not from me.
his head turned to me as we reached the enterence to the boat, childeren crying, ladys wimpering around us, tho it seems it was only us. it was like the bad bit in a fairy tail, but unlike a fairy tail, nothing was going to be ok and there was no chance of a happy ending.
his lips touched mind for what would be tha last time and our bodys were at once one.
and with that i was gorn, swept with the crown, with no goodbye just the last call from his begging eyes.
the first night was the hardest, tho the never were easy. howls from destory wifes and broken childern echoed through the boat. but i stayed quite, sitting in the darkness holding my inlarged stomach, the only reason i did not feel empty was knowing he was still inside of me.
and so the night went on and even tho my life had stoped the world had and i knew this pain was going to remain.
we had met when i was 12 and he 14, if love at first sight had of been real it was what we had, when i was 15 and he 17 we married. it was the most beautiful day of my life. and now we were never to see each other again.
we were fed little on the boat for they felt it was such a big deal they had taken us away from the war that we had little other privlages. the boats were dirty and lonely with many of the women staying in bed all day suffering from depression or sea sickness.
we were going to a better land but it did not bring us hope.
i wondered the boat talking to my bub to be as i went, no one throught of this as crazy as many of the women were actully mentaly ill from the fact they had just left their husbands to die.
the childeren didnt know any better
and they ran and played around the boat excied about the new adventures ahead of them.
they elder childeren knew better tho, the older boys conforted their mothers and never left their side, they were not forced to fight and it was a choice for them to stay or go.
most of them were wise boys, knowing there was no way of survial others were forced by their mothers.
it rained every day on that boat the glum weather matching the mood of the boat.
on the 18th day i was wondering the decks speaking to my bub when i heard a faint cry, it did not sound like one of the howling women but a young man so i followed the crys to the poring rain on the front deck.
it was a young boy, probly around 16 17. he had short blond hair that driped wet in the rain and was wearing a uniform as my husband had on that last day. i stood a distance behind him not knowing what to do, i had never seen a man cry nor weep like this.
as i steped into the rain he turned his head hearing my foot steps.
he stoped his crying and stood in silence just staring into my eyes with his cold hurt eyes.
"i should be back there" he annoced in a quite voice.
"my mother lost her bother, her husband and her father to that war, how i got on this boat i do not know"
"i should be back there."
i just stood there in shock, his words makeing little sence to me.
he fell to the ground and i moved foward to confornt this broken man.
as i bent down his hurt eyes once more met mine.
"Joseph" he said with a sniffle intorducing himself
"mary" i replyied

on the 18th night i got very sick. my throat swole up and i had terrible stomach cramps, i was bed bouned. in the short time joseph and i had become good friends, the company was a big left of both our sholders. he sat by my bed while i was sick.
on the 20th day i woke with terrible terrible stomach cramps. i woke joseph who had been sleeping on the floor next to my bed these nights while i slept.
my baby. i must be haveing my baby.
joseph ran and got the ships doctor.
on the morning of the 21st day i recived news.
joseph walked quitely into the empty bunk room i layed in.
he walk to my bed side and placed his hand on mine.
his hurt eyes looked into mine.
"im so sorry" his voice broke as he spoke.
the only thing keeping me as one. the only bit of him i still had. my baby. our child.
our child had died in my stomach. stangled on the umblical cord.
our baby.
all that i had left to belive in.
"what the fuck should i being in now" i said quitly
after that the next days were a blurr
i sliped in and out of sleep and sunk into depression.

on the 34th day joseph was walking in the decks. when he heard the quite wimpering of a woman over the pouring rain.
he followed the crys to the rain the covered the front deck. standing there was a young woman possibly 18, no older. he stood at a safe distance not knowing what to do, he knew this woman all too well and her sadness broke his heart. he had fallen in love with this girl and had tried so hard to protect her in the short time they had known eachother.
she turned around to the sounds of his foot steps.
her cold broken eyes meeting his.
"its all gorn, i have nothing, no one in this new world." she said slowly struggling to get her sadened words out above the loud rain.
as she fell to her knees he kneeled to confort her.
her broken eyes meeting his hurt eyes once more.
"you have me" he replied gentaly scooping her into his arms her long brown hair splashed agenst his face in the rain.
and that day he sat with me for hours.
hours as i cried, hours in silence.
until the next day.
on that day the rain stoped for the first time.
the sun shone brightly through the grey clouds that floated in the sky.
"mary?" he said breaking the long scilence.
"yes?" i replyed croakly my throat dry from the endless crys.
"you can belive in me" joseph said as he held my head to face his gentaly.

on the 32nd day our ship arrived in our new land.
our new land that we had ran away to.
our new land where non of knew what to expect.
non of us had carried any hope.
i steped off that boat. my hand trembling in his.
with something to belive in.