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swimming hole.

one time i dug a hole,
the hole didnt go anywhere
i just sat in it for a while
tears that sting your eyes
tears that stick to the back of your throat
you bring out the worst in me.
simply youll see that this is the way things have come,
things will always be, you bring out the worst in me.
the local authoritys tell us we are bad
tell us we are nothing more then shit and our mothers would be sad
one day i dug a hole
the hole didnt go anywhere
so i sat there for a while.
Why the fuck am i in love with you?
you have shown no interst in me.
im mearly a good laugh
someone you can use
why the fuck am i in love with you?
i like to sit in my holes on those days,
the days where all your problems are on me.
the days where im your tissue and you shoulder to cry on
talk about her him he or she.
the trust we had is gorn, burried in my hole
my hole
my hole in my garden that i sit in for hours on end
the hole where no one listens and all my emotions are spent.
the hole where i am not judged though i am no stranger.
the hole that fills with lies, bad words and danger.
the sun smells too loud
it pours down on me
the sun smells too loud
iv paied my dept, paied my fee.
sometimes my hole fills with water
so then i cant sit in it, its the way it has come to be.
because with all the skys tears in there
there is no room for me.

and drawing my cheeks in

Some days I actually pine for a sleepover and a polo shirt again. This year saw change. I started dying my hair lighter. I cut in a fringe and I started wearing drainpipes that hugged my legs and I suppose the same problems remained. They just got more complicated and they curled out further. My problems stretched out in the sun and they sent me a postcard to say that they hoped I was okay and "I'sn't Buenons Aires fabulous?".
Well, maybe this was bought on by a newfound ability to sleep alone, or apathy. I don't know.

I think new years begin in September, well at least for me they always have. I've always been fnd of September. Spring is never a good time. It's a trussed up and beautiful drag queen but autumn is real.
So in the "New Year" period I changed a lot and all the while I thought it such a great tragedy I never looked this good as a teenager. All the while I let a ferocity build up in me. I took it out on myself, the shorter my skirts got and the skinnier my legs bowed and the flatter my chest got and all the while we were sweethearts. I threw beautiful lines that I never knew I was even capeable of.
I counted green pills and cigarette ends. I stopped playing guitar and I let my fingers soften and my nails grown for a while. I started drinking more and keeping unusual hours. I started playing Street Fighter II, until my eyes felt like they were going to drop out of my head and then I'd get enraged by the fact I was never going to be good enough to play Hyper Mode and Blanka was always going to be stronger than Chun Li.

So maybe I should enlighten you on what happens in your absence. This selfish existance where this intravert turns extrovert and dons their social armour. I became the perfect party apprentice, with a PHD in sitting on kitchen counters and drawing my cheeks in and shooting you looks that I don't even mean. Hips that grind to scratchy indie hits and shoes that stick to nightclub floors...Well, you couldn't understand why I can't. You've never been up at four am with "The Fear". You've never laid on your bedroom floor half blind and you wouldn't love the girl that wakes up perspiring beer.

My life's a tangle of cables these days. Roads and train tracks are like wallpaper now. I started taking hundreds upon hundreds of photographs, all of which you were absent from. A detailed scientific investigation into light reflected on glass and I became invisible. Listening to Techno and Shoegaze in my room all alone and private parties all for myself. Slender fingers honed from MSN. An encyclopeadic knowledge of daytime television presenters.

rant

these familure tears steam softly down my flushed cheeks and dip from my quivering chin,
caused once more by this judge mental, unexepting world.
i dont want to be normal if that is what normal is.
if i were normal, if i were like you, i would simply neck myself.
to be widely socaly excepted in the expense of a unique soul, is far from worth it.
your veiws on life, your expectations, your prioritys, simply fucked.
so tell me what you hate about me because i hate everything about you.

crawdaddy

Cheating was his trade
a seller of lies
a heart so cold
he seemed to hipnotize

he always walks alone
crawdaddy simone

he had no axe to grind
you never saw him smile
but his look was good
he always dressed in style

he always walks alone
crawdaddy simone

He ain't got no one
he ain't got no friends
he ain't got any friends
he ain't no friends no
He ain't got no one
he ain't got no friends
he ain't got any friends
Just leave him alone
crawdaddy simone

maybe some black day
crawdaddy will show
and if you see him there
just you leave him alone
just leave him alone

He ain't got no one
he ain't got no friends

nothing more then my latest obsessions

i think theres a few things you should see.

shes possibly the sexiest thing on earth, music is amazing. i adore everything about her.



ah these boys are amazing, simply own my heart.

white socks

try once more but i refuse to adore
refuse to adore
relax into this dream
cold hand run solftly down your black.
smile too your lover, seek your refelxtion.
seeing someone else.
relax into this dream.
bitter lips press tender agenst your thigh.
try once more but i refuse to adore
adore your eyes that shine though me so deep.
adore your smile that peirces though lies.
refuse to adore.
adore no more.
relax this is a dream,
soft push you rip, rip, rip.
its nice inside.
relax into this dream.
youv changed, he makes you yourself.
you get hurt when your yourself.
refuse to adore.
for that sun that shone it no longer rises
you relax into this dream.
seek your soul.
you look into the eyes of someone else.

untitled

you Kissed my neck.
I gasped, you stole me heart.
you held my head in your hands.
i closed my eyes, you stole my heart.
you said i was pretty.
i staired into your eyes, you took my breath away.

into the sea

I'm just a normal girl
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be...
be...

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up, take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam, junk will do just fine
the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life, believe me
How can I keep up this breathing?

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up, take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion,
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow,
Just to prove I knew how,
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean...end it all


I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion,
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean end it all
Into space, goodbye
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
I thought of just your face
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
Into the ocean end it all
goodbye

photos

a lovely day with my lovebird

the washing machine ate my socks - by breeony

you may of read some of it beforand the first bits are fucking shit but you get the idea. its all out of order cuz im really lazy and its far far far from being finished, these are just a few bits theres much more. have a read. let me know what you think


Hey death.

It amazes me how this earth can slip by so quickly as us earthlings remain oblivious to the beauty, the nature, the cruelty and the natural disaster that our world has become. We all live in our own world, most of us choosing to block out the bad that happens in the world around them, filling their lives with fake smiles and endless relationships. There are those who are aware and just choose to feel sorry about it but remain their distance and do not interrupt the road hill track our plant is taking. Then there are those that travel to third world countries, bringing their people food and water and gifts at Christmas time. Our first instinct is to help man kind; we take petty in our own kind, when animals, plants and our earth alike are left to suffer. We take petty on man kind; we take petty on our own kind when most do not deserve our petty or help. We try so hard to please everyone around us we become stuck in that pattern and loose ourselves, even if we do not relies it we are all slipping away day by day. What the fuck is wrong with life? A broken generation that has become so self cantered we have lost most meaning to anything. We have appreciation for nothing. Do you ever wonder why you're alive? Just wish that this might be your time, your time to die. My name is Eden and I don’t stand a chance.


Getting scars.

He was wearing big black boots, a leather jacket, skinny leg jeans and a head band to help control his long blond hair when he met my mother. They were both 18, straight out of high school and set on the path for the rest of their lives. She wanted to be a flight attendant, to travel around the world. He played in a band and body boarded everyday, back when body boarding wasn’t cool. He a young man just wanting to have fun she with a dream to excel in a career.
They had both seek shelter in a book store from the violent storm that had suddenly struck their tiny home town of Ipswich by surprise while both were running errands.
She was drenched. Her white summer dress stuck to her body. He was cold and wet his long locks dripping with water. And then their eyes met, it was like an unscripted fairy tale really. Two lonely souls meet, love at first sight, he offers to buy her coffee and then spend the rest of the afternoon together talking like old friends followed by him walking her home after the storm clears laughing as they go and a goodnight kiss on her door step.
Mum kept him wanting and dad loved the chase.
They dated for a while; mum did night training as a flight attendant and dad played the odd gig. Dad wanted to run away and get married; mum wanted to wait and settle down and have a family. So they compromised.
They looked around; found a cute home that had just been built. It backed onto the Brisbane River and the yard was filled with young palm trees and long grass.
After a long day of moving all the furniture they had bought the week before especially for their new home, they sat down with a bottle of red wine and toasted to their young love. Their glasses clinked as they laughed and stared into each others eyes, crickets chirping and singing in the background, knowing this was it, this was the start of the rest of their lives together.
And that was the night we were conceived.











Excuse me sir do you have the time?

Eight months and six days later. My mother smiled down at her enlarged stomach as my father cooed at it talking baby talk. She had been feeling sick that day and as it crept into dusk she was tried and kept having false contractions. She had another month of pregnancy expected. As she rested her hair on the pillow next to the man she loved, still indulged in pain she felt it, and as liquid soaked through her underpants her mother had bought her to wear while she was pregnant because she felt embarrassed buying such large undies, she lied dead still in shock.
“Eli.” She whispered grabbing onto the neck of his shirt forceful.
“We have to go to the hospital, now.”
They were both excited to have a baby in their life, its just what their small house with one more bed room and enough room for one more little life needed to feel like home.
10 hours of labour later.
She had her long red tied up out of her face as it dripped with sweat dad holding her hand as she squeezed it tight as their ears felt with three cries and their minds filled with shock.



If we lived in a ghost town, all the other towns would be scared of us.

While she had been pregnant mum had refused to have an ultra sound or to find out the sex of her child, she wanted a natural water birth but with the unexpectedness of it all no one was prepared for that.
Thorp came first, his big bright green eyes gazing at this strange new world. His little head coved in a soft small bed of blond curls.
Then came Sky, her little bald head, pale pearl coloured skin and big blue eyes amazed everyone, not only for her beauty, for the fact that Julie was only expecting one child, and now with two she and Eli had to rethink a few things.
Last but least popped out my head. Dad’s eyes begin to tear. My little body, so small and fragile was taken into the doctors hands. I had mums red hair and dads big green eyes.
Mum lay there, she let her grip on dads hand go and she just stared. Gazed at her new family. And then she cried broke down in not tears of happiness but concern.
She had to pause her training while she was pregnant and the only money that they got came in from dads gigs. They could have coped with one baby, but three.
Oh deary me




Overwhelming rage for humanity

After a while things settled, mum and dad coped with us three although it wasn’t easy. Mum started back at school her dream of travelling crushed and dad started teaching music to the neighbouring kids after his band slit up. We were far from a normal family but it was just how things were. It was how we lived and how we were raised, with a free spirited, wild mother and a mellow, caring father.
On our first birthday they decided to marry.
On our seconded their wedding and our birthday party was joint and the day was filled with cake and good wishes. In saying that my mothers parents were far from happy with their daughters choice, but her choice it was and they loved their grandchildren very much and wanted what was best for us.






Please put the Christmas tree away

We lived in a small house away from the city in Ipswich, it’s was a new area and we didn’t have neighbours on ether side of our house. Although the house is small we had a large back yard and the un-mowed grass tickled under your chin. The back yard stretched onto the Brisbane River but we were never allowed to swim in it after a cow got eaten by a shark while taking a bath in the river just down the road.
It was a great yard tho, swing sets and dad made cubby houses filled our childhood with hours in that yard playing cops and robbers, doll and space rescue with the swings as our rockets. Thorp was always one of the girls and he loved his sister just as much as we loved him, we were all an item our differences coming together and making one unusual person. We were each others shadows.
I remember it oh so clearly, one hot and sticky summer evening after a long day of playing when we were four; mum had just come home from school and fetched us from the yard while dad watched the football on TV. Back then we hated baths and as she chased us round the yard in hope of getting us inside had kinda turned into a game. This night was no different and as we darted around the long grass from our mothers grip, giggling and squealing, Sky tripped. Our came suddenly came to a halt.

As we grew the three of us found we felt each others pain, not to the same extent but when one of us tripped and got hurt we all felt some pain.

Mum ran over to Sky as she lay there in the long grass on her back holding onto her knee.
“Let me have a look” mum said slowly moving Sky’s hand from her knee to reveal a small cut surrounded by a large grass stain.
Mum lay down next to Sky and hugged her and Thorp and I made our way over to her.
We all lay there for hours watching the clouds drift by, just talking and laughing, watching day transform into night as mozzies fed at our bodies and mum shared us stories of her and our father back in the day.
This memory is truly precious to me.



My verdict has come.

Now I am not going to tell you too much about my brother, I will not tell you of how amazing he was, how he looked after his sisters on the first day of school when we got bullied for looking different to the other kids and only sticking to ourselves. I am not going to tell you how he would help mum with the dishes or how he spent his pocket money on us one time to buy Sky and I ice cream one time when the ice-cream man came round and he missed out because we had already spent our weekly $10 and wanted ice-cream. I'm not going to tell you how he and dad had an unbreakable bond and their shared love for music kept them practising together until thorp almost fell asleep on the seat of his beloved piano, nor how he would act out of kindness for anyone in any sign of trouble. I will not let you get attached to him or feel a strong emotion for him, I will not let you fall in love with his as ever old lady he helped put their grocery in the car did or as every teacher did when he would bring them sweats just for helping him with his home work even though this was their job. I will not let you know of his cheeky grin and love for life. Because if I let you know all this, then you will get attached, you will feel emotion towards him, you will fall in love with him. And when you even remotely form a relationship or feel for a person you are hurt when they die.




You turned your back and walked away

When we were born the test showed there was something wrong, we suffered from a disease and were predicted not to live to twenty years of age. We were to young to learn about it and to this day it is my personal choice not to know anything but it will be the death of me and on march the 8th 2001 when he was 10 at exactly 7.42pm it was the death of my brother Thorp after he had been admitted to hospital with strong head pains and lack of energy the week before.
Sky and I never left his side. Mum had the time off school and dad cancelled all his lesions.
Although thorp was not well he still remained more concerned about other people and would read to the older people down the hall when he had the strength. They too fell in love with him automatically; he just had that effect on people and would often comment to the staff about how much a brave boy he was when everyone else had their doubts.
Within the week thorp slowly lost movement in all of this limbs and would slip in and out of sleep. This monster that was set to steal our lives did that, slowly it shut down each muscle finally getting to your heart or lungs and you would die instantly or you would suffocate to death.

On the morning of his death Sky and I awoke in harmony to the sudden stabbing feeling that filled our heads we looked to his bed to find thorps mouth spilling with blood. I ran down the hall heart full of fear, grabbed the first doctor I could find and brought him back to Thorps room. When we got back mum who was in the room awake and attempting to get Thorp to lay on his side so he didn’t choke on his own blood. Sky was holding onto his hand, she was clearly in pain as well.
After this event and the blood stoped Thorp was put onto strong mind numbing medication and moved into his own room. All he did was sleep.
During the day the stabbing pain in both Sky and my own head worsened and soon the pain became unbearable and we were given pain killers by nurses that feared for our health to slip into the state of our brothers.
6.57pm.
The pain felt by both of us we knew was nothing compared to that felt by Thorp.
I left Sky and Dad in the canteen to finish their meals and made my way through the quite hall to Thorps new room where I knew I would find mum with him.
I stood at the doorway watching my normally strong and brave mother once full of life and adventure as she sat there holding her dyeing sons hand now a broken weak woman.
“He doesn’t want this pain.” I said softly.
As death slipped through his small frail body that night the pain of loosing our brother and the pain that he felt overwhelmed Sky and I and we accompanied our broken parents by his bed that night for long heart destroying hours as we sulked and mourned for the light of our family had just been switched off.








Sorry I had one of my head phones in.

Often I hear girls in the bathroom at school, girls that I see around and they have little effect on me but always seem to be with a close group of girl friends and seem to have it pretty easy, as if they have excepted themselves and don’t have to live up to anyone’s judgements. I sit there and listener to them chats. From the safety of my escape stall. They chat about gymnastics, they are all into gymnastics. They talk about movies and boys, although they are the same age as I they are very immature and very naive, maybe this is what I have mistaken for self acceptance.
“I’m invisible to everyone.” I heard one girl state one day while applying her small amount of blush that she sneaks to school because her mother wont let her leavening the house with makeup on. “My parents never notice me and today Felix walked straight pasted me when I said hi to him” she went on.
Felix is the boy she likes, most girls do. I don’t really see the big fuss; girls just like it because he’s a bit metro sexual and expresses his emotions, which I find bluntly annoying.
After this small rant on being invisible her friends comfort her, tell her she’s beautiful and her parents love her and that Felix was problem just distracted or maybe had one of his head phones in the ear she couldn’t see.
After they left I sat there until the bell to go to class rang thinking about being invisible. I would not like to be invisible, I would nether be dead truly, better to not exist at all then to be invisible. No one is really invisible, and if anything is invisible I take petty on them or it.

Young boys and toy guns.

As children Hide and seek were Sky, thorp and my favourite game. With the three of us set loose in our house of everything we could spend a whole day playing it. As I grew older it became a game for only me. I would hide, normally in a little spot in the garden that used to be Thorps cubby house but then he broke his ankle when he fell off the big brick wall and never went back there again. Back then all the braches used to be chopped back leaving about a 4square meter clearing in our mini rain forest so he could play. It was cool and a heaven for young boys. Now it was my escape. The clearing had turned into more of a patch big enough for me to sit down on a rug and seek. Seek the meaning of things, why things were happening, and find new things out about myself. Hide and seek.

I once fell in love with you, just because the sky turned from grey into blue.
I was the only once born without curls out of Sky, Thorpe and I. quite a rip off if you ask me. Once we started high school sky did nothing more then get amazing amounts of male attention while I tended to fade into the background more, and often got the reaction “ oh my god! Are you really sky’s sister?” when I was forced to sit next to new people in my classes, or just meeting new people around the place. Sky was always the wild one, always the one who got away with anything and got every boy she wanted and every female wanted to be her. I tell you why, because she was pretty and sweet and lovely, pretty girls get their own way.

My bird cage.

The house we live in is full of clutter, well I call it clutter, dad calls it a heap of shit and mum calls it holding onto the past. Personally I don’t like a house cluttered with the past. We have photos of my brother and sister everywhere and to tell you the truth it doesn’t really help me get over their deaths.




Suicide is in my blood, it always has been.

Dear mum, dad and Eden,
Well we know the end is nearing and we know what this end will bring with it.
I don’t want to spend the end cooped up in a hospital beds nurses tending to my every need fighting a battle that has already been lost.
So I have run away with Pat to England, I'm quite possibly on the flight right now.
I don’t want to be chased; I don’t want to be cried for, I want to be left to my death. Because we all know, this is the end, I am going to die. I have given up as have we all. I cannot let my family watch me die. One day I will just shut down, like it is
S post to happen, Pat will take care of me he says, he says he will not let me slip in my last few moments, but I have already lost my mind.
I love you all so very much, and this is why I leave you now.
So we all get used to the end.
Please don’t loose this fight Eden, don’t let it take us all.
I love you all so very much.
Love always,
Sky.

I will eat your children.

Before I die I want to date a boy who wears smart looking glasses and has both sides of his nose pierced, a boy who passed university and is now in the midway struggle of finding his new career and himself. A boy with a colourful Mohawk that pops pills like skittles. And a boy that rides a motorbike without shoe. Then I will finally settle down with some old rich guy that shares my love for cats and I shall lounge around the pool throwing Cigarettes at the topless pool boy.






I like to hand surf out the car window, but when I'm not in a car, and there is no wind.

Mum won’t get out of bed today
She is sick
Very very sick.
Sick in the head the doctors say.
Sick in the head.
Very very sick.
She’s been this way for a while.
I guess it’s what happens when your world falls apart.
I lay in my bed, head warm under my covers, feet out in the chilled winter morning air.
It’s been 12 days since Sky few away to England with that fucking creep of a boyfriend Pat. All we can do is sit and wait for the police to come to our door. Dad has thrown himself into his work. (FINISH)



My cat doesn’t like the vet.

So I'm sitting in my room, legs crossed, all alone. Its 2:42am.Mum has gone down to the supermarket that is open 24 hours. She says she doesn’t like the crowds in the day. She says they scare her.
Once you have hit rock bottom you will understand and appreciate things a lot more, you will grow to learn not everything is about you, and accept life as it comes.
I hate this feeling
I'm left alone in this big empty house I call my own, that dose not feel nor seem like home
I feel like I’m being watched and some how this company reviles me.
The silence is killing me but I’m scared if I kill it, I will miss a beat.
Nothing makes sense to me.
I have this dream of a big white wedding on the beach in Fiji at sundown. I really want to meet the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I know it’s not Lee; I really cannot wait until I pick up the courage to dump him actually. He is such a sweet boy and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, so obvious I do like him but I feel as if I'm wasting my time.
I want long wavy hair for my wedding, not my white dead mop that just touches beneath my small bust line; if I had bigger boobs it wouldn’t seem as long.
So I'm sitting in my room, legs crossed, all alone. I can just imagine mum walking along the street, struggling with her green environmentally friendly shopping bag full of stuff we possibly don’t need and I will never eat. Wearing thorps big coat and Sky’s favourite bangle she bought in Melbourne when she went down there to find herself and came back with 5 more suit cases filled with cloths she knew she would never wear again and a tattoo.
Ah I hate my hair. Maybe I should go get it cut tomorrow. My pause in thought leaves me with the silence. I glance around the room. I only have my fairy lights on and I can’t really see that back wall well. As I glance around a pair of scissors catch my eye. Sharp metal scissors mum used to open the boxes when we moved and have never left my room.
So I'm sitting in my room, legs crossed, all alone, with scissors in my hand. I stair down, straight down to see the soft white flesh of my wrist. The veins so so close to the surface. I run my finger slowly up one vain, following it up my aim to my arm pit, I hate arm pits. I open the scissors, and I cut, I cut as straight as I can as my hands shake. And as my dead white hair floats to the ground beside me, I make a choice that I will not allow my hair to grow past my shoulders until I meet the one. So I can grow it fresh for my wedding.









You always take his side.

“You’re going to a phycologist today” mum announces over breakfast.
“I think you may need to get some advice other then mine” she continues.
“Mum don’t they cost a lot of money?”
“You watch too much American TV. I got a good girl; she worked with a friend of mine who lost her husband. She can help us for free, she dose it for a happy world not for money.”
So I go upstairs and put on a pretty dress for the shrink who can now save me from my problems. Give me advice when she has no idea who I am. I really wish people understood me. I can hardly understand me, I have no idea who a person who in not knowing me for less then a day can fix all my problems, but hey right night I'm up for anything that can get me out of this hole.
I can run all I want but I cannot escape my head.
Her office is small, a young girl, her name bag reads Julie, in heals that look to be hurting her feet as she stands to greet us and hands us papers that we are to fill out before we talk to the doctor. It’s about why we are here and the symptoms I am having. I tick all the boxes without looking and hand the sheet back to the girl as she stares at me as if I am some sort of nut job.
Fuck her.
We wait for a little while, possibly less then 10minurts. Mum picks up an old grabby magazine from the start of last year about healthy mind healthy life and pretends to be interested in it to avoid awkward small talk in front of Julie.
In the room there is Julies messy little desk with her office computer and a bunch of flowers to the side. A small selection of old toys in the corner of the room, three worn down couches and in the centre of them a wooden coffee table covered in old magazines. The couches face a very thick door with a piece of computer paper with the words ‘doctor Alondorf’ typed on it and glue tacked to the door.
You can tell the place runs for a happy world and not money.
So after the short time of waiting, I look up at the sound of the old door knob on the doctor’s door being opened. Out walks a boy possibly a year or so older with me, accompanied by his mother.
“Roxanne?” mother must recognise this poor lady as the friend who had been recommended her the doctor, the other who had lost her husband. She had obesely had a hard time in there as her face is stained in mascara tears and her hand is in her sons.
“Oh hello Mia” Roxanne said wiping her face with the screwed up tissue she held in her other hand that wasn’t taken by her son’s, who just stood there and stared at me as a voided his glare.
It was like the moment you entered this place you were occasionally a freak and with this gave any person promising to stare at you like you’re something sad and messed up with a story to share and no one sorry enough to hear it. And although he was also in the same place, with the sad story as I wish I had, I envied him in only loosing one piece of himself, though a person should never have to suffer such a loss, he was lucky compared to my sad bullshit.
“Come in Eden” an old worn voice came from the door that Roxanne and her son just exited from. (finish!!!)










My wonder years got cut short.

I oh so miss being happy.
When someone so precious and dear to you is ripped away, someone who you love and truly makes you happy is torn out of your life with no return, you think you would be able to survive on the memories for a while, live off that last little bit of juice in the carton.
No.
When you loose your last taste of happiness after so many mouth fulls have been dropped before, the only thing you can do is cry.
Cry and think of the good times and think ‘Oh the good times, when I was happy. The good times when I smiled and forgot every worry I had and lived for the present not dwelling on the past.’
Now you would think these fond memories would please you, that you actually once experienced happiness. You once had someone who loved you, someone who only wanted to be with you. You had someone who cared and showed an interest, who completed you and thought you were the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. You had a person who sat with you and held you when you cried.
If you ever have a person who treats you like this, who treats you as their own life, hold on to them, please.
So the memories that once brought a smile to your face now destroy you.
All the good times attack at your mind and leave you feeling sorry for yourself.
You cannot live off the good old memories. It just doesn’t work like that now, dose it?
And now you’re sitting there crying all on your own and it is your fault.
Loosing him was your fault.
You hate yourself.
And it’s all your fault.



Did you know a rhino’s horn is made up of compressed air?
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock. It’s nothing more then me and this fucking clock trapped in this misery of a fucking room. No thoughts fill my head but the ticking and tocking of the seconds passing by. The put me here, said I was a danger to myself. I'm a danger to myself. I’m a danger to myself. Tum hurts. I’ve lost my mind. This clock has stolen my mind. Do you think if I knock on the door and ask nicely they will remove the clock? Hmm, but then what would I think of, but then what would I do.
My eyes narrow on the deep, red snakes dancing up my arms, around my thighs.
My eyes narrow on the reasons why I'm in this fucking white room with this fucking clock.
Blue shoes and white teeth will come in this fucking white room in exactly 56 minutes 32, 31, 30, 29 seconds. They will ask me if I'm ok then without waiting for an answer which I would reply if I could with a simple “fucking out of my mind” but no they never wait, never wait for a reply, just stab deep a needle to my arm and then leave without another word and then I'm left once more on my own in this fucking white room with this fucking clock and run my finger down and around my body as the poison slivers though my thick blue veins.
55 minutes 47, 46, 45, 42 oops 43.
Fuck.

it was good friday

"I once fell in love with you
Just because the sky turned from gray
Into blue
It was a good friday
The streets were open and empty
No more passion play
On st.
Nicholas avenue
I believe in st.
Nicholas
Its a different type of santa claus"

tum is the holder of all emotion, head dose nothing. last night tum started to wake befor head wanted to "shhh tum shhh" but tum wouldnt be sound "shh tum shhh" i pleaded but in the end i could do more to answer to tums call so i opened my eyes to glare at no more then the dark as black mid night sky and the white moon that slept high in the center of sky and the first thing that came to my mind was you quoteing the moon off the mighty boosh, and i went back too sleep with a smile in my tum, thankyou tum.



http://afearaloathing.blogspot.com/

three

one...

I couldn’t find shoes one night to go down to jimmy’s parent’s corner store. Jimmy’s parents weren’t working so me and the boys would go down and jimmy would give us free cigarettes and put the kettle on and wed sit there and drink tea and talk about the new rich girl that lived on the other side of town or how Russel had just gone to war and been shot straight away. Poor kid. Then when the shop closes jimmy gives us a beer and our drunken chatter fills the quite night air. We would all have tea but sometimes we wouldn’t have enough tea leaves and someone would have to miss out, it was normally gorge because he only drank half his tea half the time then the rude digger would complain it was too cold then jimmy would get mad at him for wasting his mums tea leaves and not give him a beer when he asked for one later that night and jimmy would mock the beer was too cold for gorge and gorge would get angry then. So Yar. Umm
I walked to the shop in mums slip on shoes. The boys gave me shit for weeks, not like they had heals or anything.




two...

One day I decided to go get a new heel for my shoe that I had broke about a month ago. Wouldn’t be a long trip, just pop on the ferry to Shelbyville. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I started to get ready, did ma hair, tided my onion onto my belt because that was the style at the time. Got my money ready. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them “two bees for a bob” you’d say when you got down to the pub, because the pub always had change, after the generator had run out of power and you’d be left in the dark or the middle of winter with no heat. I’d always have to go get the change because the pub said my little sister was too young. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah...the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war; the only thing you could get was those big yellow ones, oh they flaked everywhere and make your pants look a right mess, but that’s what you did because it was the thing at the time.


three..
(Before you read please realise that I love pommies and England and it is just a reference to the types of people back then not my hate towards any race)

Mum was sick that morning so she made me walk my little sister jenny to school. Jenny wont walk to school herself because she swears black and blue that the men that spend all day and night at the pub she has to walk past, yell out how pretty she is and one time she stuck the finger up at them and one of the men said if he hadn’t of just opened a new beer he would go over there and teach her some respect, so jenny ran all the way home, not to school and asked dad to get mad at them but dad said those lads were legit good guys and wouldn’t of done that and then got mad at jenny for telling lies. Then mum got mad at dad because she believed jenny and realising she was going to be the one having to walk jenny to school everyday she insisted dad go down to the pub and talk to the men. But dad refused too and after a small argument dad stormed off to work. Dad runs the elevator in the big building on the other side of town, the one all the Poms dad works at, ya know? Dad hates the Poms, says they need to learn some fucking respect for working class men like him. I never really saw a problem with the Poms but Uncle Neil, who isn’t really my uncle just a man dad met when he went to war and they stuck and survived though the tough times together, they became and stayed best mates. Neil has been though both wars, made his age older for the first one, younger for the second one he doesn’t really have anyone. So dad and Neil, who didn’t really say much, unless to abuse the Poms would sit there complaining about the Poms they work with even though Neil didn’t even have a job and sat in our kitchen all day putting away the dishes for mum when he could help and drink the beer dad bought for mum but mum cant drink it because she’s sick.
So I walked jenny to school and on my way home went to speak to the lads at the pub, ended up having a beer with them and they gave me some tea for mum because she’s sick.

so much

a man comes home from a week away to his beautiful home to see his beautiful family.
his young wife
his loyal daughter
his adored son.
its 3am, its dark.
the key is under the front mat like it always is.
he walks in his room to find blood. a trail of red sticky juice of his wife splatted across the room
his heart beats to panic as he follows the trail to her walk in closest filled with out grown fashions and the past.
he finds his wife.
throat slit.
eyes gawged out.
blood from the ears.
he finds his son.
naked.
privates chopped off.
insides from his tum spilling out.
he put up a fight.
The man cannot breathe.
he stumbled out of the wardrop.
mind in shock. the reality yet to set, hard hard like concrete.
he limps distorted towards his daughters room to find her on her bed.
her arms sliced.
her hair chopped off and throw around the room.
shes naked and dry blood and vomit fill her mouth.
a pen sticks out of her punctured neck.
in front of her is her diary, full of her rubbish she writes.
he picks up the small worn book and reads the last word written by his daughter.
"everything i write comes true."

So much i want to write.
i want to fall in love but my emotions have been stolen by someone who dosnt actually want them.
he would be perfic.
be would be amazing
why is he going.
fucking hell.

They stuck a needle in my throat and it sent me straight to sleep. Not a goodnight sleep, no no no. More of a sleep, a weird sleep that by wakeing from it will cause more sorrow then if you slumber on. So i lay there with my thoughts. alone with my mind. I can run all i want but i cant escape my worries. I'm not going to let this happen, although we both know it wants to swollow me whole.
Death staired at me during this slumber its blood shot eyes staired down at me and its cold breath thrickled through my vains.
I left that knife in my heart.
i Felt that gunt o my head.
IM looseing my mind.
If you see it please let me know.

needs

i dont remember when the last time i felt like this was.
the last time i craved to hold a person
the last time i thought that i cannot do this alone.
i cannot do this alone.
and i am lonely.
im and scared.
so so scared that every part of me wants to shut down or run away.
because this world is too big for a little girl like me
and it has swallowed me hole. iv become a victum to its everything and all its ways.
i cant remember the last time i needed to cry on someones shoulder
my pillow normally is the only one i have.
but i miss being loved i miss being told im something, i miss being something to someone.
becuase right now im nothing more then a joke , not a very funny one, just a joke of a human, a joke of an earthing.
im useless and a waste.
i cant remember the last time i missd.
i dont know who i am anymore
and i dont know who my true friends are anymore.
you all change so fequently
do things i wish you didnt
hurt my feeling for stupid resason.
your so heartless.
its like i dont matter at all.
and im slowly seeing i obisly dont mean a thing
not to you and you and you
and as i sit here in tears wishing i was dead
i cant remember the last time i needed to be loved.

stupid.

emotions are fucked.
everything changes.
you get emotionaly attached to people you are not allowed to.
you get happy.
you get sad.
and when you finaly rest on that emotion that you could spend forever on.
you are shortly smashed back into this curel curel world or reality.
seems im banished for life.
you are ashamed.
shy you say but we both know the turth.
when im with you im on my forever emotion.
nothing else matters.
nothing but you.
and im so so stupid for feeling this way becuase we both know once more that this is going no where.
we will get suck in this rutt then slowly dift apart.
its what happends to lovers, its what happends to freinds.
i guess its just what happends.

boy and sea.

i offered myself to the sea.
for him to take my soul and all of me.
i offered myself to the sea.
and he looked down and swollowed me.
down down down deep i went.
all the time we shared and spent.
down down deep i went.
everything was gorn, everyone who ment.
so i lived my life as the sea.
the sea was i, i was the sea.
everyday came, and everyday would be.
until one day a young boy offered himself to me.
he offered himself to the sea.
for me to take his soul and all of he.
So i took his life and set him free.
he swam through me.
he swam through the sea.
he was in me, i was a part of he.
he lived there for a while.
he lived his life in denile.
he lived in the sea for a while.
one day the young boy said to me.
"why did you offer yourself to the sea"
"why did you offer yourself to the sea"
as my waves crashed down onto all that could be.
and they gave their lives to me, the sea.
they gave their life to the boy and the sea.

When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies God will probably have me on some real strict shit No sleepin' all day, no gettin my dick licked Hangin' with the goodie-goodies loungin' in paradise Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice All my life I been considered as the worst Lyin' to my mother, even stealin' out her purse Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion I know my mother wished she got a fuckin' abortion She don't even love me like she did when I was younger Suckin' on her chest just to stop my fuckin' hunger I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes? Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies) I swear to God I just want to slit my wrists and end this bullshit Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit And squeeze, until the bed's, completely red I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fuckin' buddah head The stress is buildin' up, I can't, I can't believe suicide's on my fuckin' mind I want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin' callin' me Naw you wouldn't understand when I cross over, there ain't no comin' back Should I die on the train track, like Remo in Beatstreet People at the funeral frontin' like they miss me My baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm gone I reach my peak, I can't speak, call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak. I'm sick of niggas lyin', I'm sick of bitches hawkin', matter of fact, I'm sick of talkin'.

poka dots

my eyes want to fall out of my head.
once again i sit here on a saturday night.
no one to hold
no one to talk to
im alone in this world and that scares the shit out of me
and i know one is going to save me.
its stange how i always picture what could be.
everything about him interests me, so unusual he is.
but it would seem he dosnt want the same as me so im chucked back into the deep end gasping for air.
i wish the world would just let me drownd.
instead you pull me up with your fishing rod of hope.
pull me up
put me in your safe boat where everything seems ok
size me up, gut me out.
then throw me back.
there are plenty more fish in the sea but when do i get to do the catching?

"you look terid darling?" said boot his hand agenst my blushed cheek
"im not teird, i have been crying."
"crying? why?" the expression on his face turned to worry as his hand slung to his side.
"becuase yelling dosn't fix everything."
his face turned to stone and he slid out of the room without a word.

Clementine

Take me out
Take me home
Take me
anywhere I walked a hundred miles
so I could
give a dog a
bone

It's alright
I don't
mind
I'm just running
into
something bigger than the
something
that I left
behind


Oh my
darling
Oh my
darling
Oh my
darling
Clementine


Turn the
water
Turn the
water
Turn the
water
into holy water


You
are restless
Very Young
Got a
message from your mother
said to
tell you
she'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes

Oh
my darling
Oh my
darling
Oh my
darling
Clementine


Turn the water
Turn the water
Turn the water
into holy water



Oh
my darling
Oh
my darling
Oh
my darling
Oh
my darling
Clementine


Turn
the water
into a little bit more
time.

Take me out
Take me
home
Take me anywhere
I walked a
hundred miles
so I could hear
them play your song on the radio.

I walked a
hundred miles
so I could hear
them play your song on the radio.

ant hill

its upsetting but today i found that this is the way i have to live.
under someone
always someone with more power
always someone smarter and better then you
we are all tiny ants in this big bad world.
when will you get squashed?
so many rules we must live by, being threatened and blackmailed if we dont obay.
not much has changed since when hitler rules.
just there are more hitler like people in our moderen world that we hadly notice them anymore
it is fate that until we discover a way we can all live as one in peace that we shall die in the power of another.
as much as you try and reble, as much as you try and be yourself and inndependent.
your not
someone always looks down on you.
we are all scum in their eyes and there is nothing we can do about it.
these tears have rolled down my cheeks caused by another too many times.
this heartless world will be the death of me as friday the 13th sinks in.
squash!

stupid.

its strange.
given the tinyest bit of hope we live on how people can expect so much out of life.
when we put something to mind and are given incouragement or infuenced in some way that this may actually be possibly we normaly take the challenge on no matter how stupid or unlikely it is.
as we get older our minds mature sure but we still do things that other people say are more likely to happen then when people are negitive about the out come.
we all want so much.
money can buy happiness and for the person who said it could not your quite a silly man for money is this world.
money rules us all. if you have millions of dollars or nothing it still have a greater power over all of us.
from our first pocket money we become a slave to it, and will do alot of stupid degradeing things to get it

hope and money
the two things we live by
the two things that contoll us.
shame i have neither.

blah blah blah blah blah
toddaayyy was just fantastic i took photos of my cat and bought pandora for myself becuase im too ugly and emo for a boyfriend.
had lots of fights with mum and went swimming in yucking poo infront of pretty boy
iv pretty much lost the plot.
i would upload a shit load of photos i just edited BUTTT photo bucket is being uber homo so i guess we are all just guna have to wait to see my shit house photoghraphy
nighthththt
afdisahd[s

golly gee

no body likes me mabey if i cry?
listerning to tegan and sara trying to get my head around this sting in my throat that happends every time feeling are let out and im left ever more lost that i was once befor.
i have no idea what im doing in life right now, no idea where i fit it.
i know what i want to do, who i want to be with and when i want this all to happen.
but who i want to be with is out of the question, and what i want in life is happening to fast i havnt got time to think about it.
i have my week, everything happeneds at the same time
in the same place.
and this repeats throught the year.
i have no idea what im doing.
iv managed to cry for the last week also everynight because im a jelouse whore.
i dont know what im feeling and i just want someon to guid me becuase my guide got sick of this tour and quit so im left stranded in the middle of know where with no map and no clue, in unknown land that you need a hand to hold in.

help.

i cant belive

no matter how much she makes you happy
no matter how much you like her
no matter how nice she is
no matter how much you need her
no matter how much she loves you
no matter how she makes you laugh
no matter how much she wants to be my friend
no matter how time you spend with her
no matter how amazing she is
no matter how much you care about her

i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
she is all you care about right now.
she is all you need right now.
but she will fuck you over.
something will go wrong.
she will find out the truth
you will find out her secerets.
and i will be waiting.
to pick you up.

i hated her from the start, and my feelings remain the same.
i hate her.

million.

so i duno wht but im amamzingly pissed off at the world right now and 95% of the people iv seen today.
though i had a good day
went to work first up, washed out some coulours and talked to some old ladies.
put some girls extentions in and what not.
relised i was peeling everywhere
my face is fucking peeling on my face, fail.
then i went to get a coffee, saw leon (froth) he had his hair up in a pony tail and i wanted to do him in the back room cuz im a honery little edge kid haha
( leon is this guy that works at zarraffers that i have not a chance in hell with)
then went to robina and met smitho and zac there.
spent an akward afternoon with them. im terrible with people, though zac is possibly the first new person iv met in a long time that iv actually not been compleatly shy around and wanted to run away or vomit on him, so thats a good sign haha.
i smell.
chilled with smitho and zac for the afternoon went to narange skate park and back to zacs house and what now, his family is lovely but im not very good with new people so i was shy and akward.

i had such a good day and it was nice haveing a socal life for an afternoon but i get home and my hate for everything returns and i continue to point out everything wrong about myself worstens
i need cuddles and a big cup of hot lovein.
ha i hate myself.

hm

my stomach lays open for the world, my insides exposed and all emotions to be taken advantage of and ot be seen.
the black birds peck at the window.
they nest in my open body, tiny sticks form their home as they peck at my insides and make me feel lonley.
the skin closes over the black birds.
they cant get out now.
my tummy rumbles and other black birds peck at my tum trying to get to there loved ones.
what is a loved one?
i cant kick this feeling.
everything is wrong at the best of times.

axe cop cop cop
cop cop cop

all my emotion is drained and regained mixed with weird ones and other peoples.
i dont know what to think anymore.
he says i am this to him but he is nothing of that to me, nothing but more.


i am scum
i hate myself so much for makeing this more confuseing then it should be.
i should be happy for him.

caw caw caw
black birds scratch at my insides
let me out caw let me out caw

trapped.

laura

i do know you but i dont know you well.
i dont belive him, he wants to die all alone in this world.
you took my happiness, you took my heart.
the birds are singing, the lord has left, the birds are singing the world understands.
he want to be friends with my very own soul, to hold me and love me, to be me and know me. i dont belive him.
sleep will not come no sleep is not willing.
your smile sicks to the ground, this depression and darkness has broken me down.
oh this life and its faults never seem to amaze me.
the drugs the child takes, the axe the man use, the silence of his victum, the gods we worship, the birds are sining, the lord has died.
im sorry im negitivity and pain may dwell in my sould but i dont belive in fairy tale endings.
if you want to, you are really going to have to fight me.
he left me dreaming.
scream if your not here, no body belives me.
i cannot have this change, my head on his knee.
theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swimm and a garden with such beauty that the flowers seem to grin, theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swim, i will live my life regretting i never jumped in.

take some time

so lost, so confuse i just dont know who to turn to.
who has the answers to all my problems?
iv watched my dreams die.
iv watched you destroy, rebuild and crush my life.
this life isnt for me.

"help me" she wispered in his ear
"i cant!" he exclaimed looking for her light.
when a dream is crush and broken and your life is put in the siguation where it can be roughly explained as 'rock bottom' you relise alot of things about your self and the other earthlings around you.
rock bottom isnt as bad as it sounds, its far far worst.
you cant really understand every levle of it because for that you would of had to face ever tragety known to man kind and anyothers we may not relise just yet that people are slowly dieing from each second. but what you shall realise about rock bottom is that there is no escape, the depression, self hate, world hate, stress, anxity,rage, or any other form of emotion that you fell while you are at rock bottom will never ever never leave you fully.
you can never change your life around that much. those suicidle attempts still fresh in your mind now your married with two kids, the past always aprears.
as much as you attempt to change yourself
you can change your name change your face, remove yourself from the socal siguation you were in.
do what you want.
the emotions that filled your broken soul once will never leave your side and its cloud will float behind you all your life and then rain on your life when ever it wants to.
this is forever.

poo

throwing large objects at draw is fun
he wriggles and worms out of my aim until i get what i want him to do.
handy.
sacks pink spiders got mad at me today again, i never seem to make her happy.
or maby she never seems to make me happy.
the spiders crawled to me today, they wanted to hurt me, wanted to shh me.

boot was grumpy today, "that father of yours, hopeless"

and i was stable today, giggleing at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life which scares the shit out of me but all i can do is giggle because i know it is my fate and that is just how sometimes you must deal with fate, you must giggle.

i pick up the cold potato on my fork and put it in my mouth, blue shoes pours pink liquid in our tea and says
"drink up."
this isnt like the tea i make sack at home when her knees hurt, this tea makes you sleep with your eyes awake as you move unmotovated through the day.
the potato fills my mouth and i try to swollow but instead of down it gos up, up onto the table, i pick it up, no one sees and try again.
"go down"
it falls on the floor
"go down, go down, go down!"

i sit in my room that is not mine listerning to blue shoes pitter patter up and down the hall way.
black birds peck at the window from the outside and perch in each corner of my room watching me.
they want my red sticky.
i open my mouth slightly to inhale, i cannot close my mouth, black bird after black bird flock into my mouth
craw craw craw
they make a nest out of tiny sticks in my mouth and place their neck down my throat and drink all my red sticky, drain me of life.
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT, FUCK OFF, CAW!CAW! GET OUT!"
i lay there screaming this until blue shoes come in and hold me down and poke needel into the bone and presssss and thick mud pumps into me
thump thump thump

photos

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