no matter how much she makes you happy
no matter how much you like her
no matter how nice she is
no matter how much you need her
no matter how much she loves you
no matter how she makes you laugh
no matter how much she wants to be my friend
no matter how time you spend with her
no matter how amazing she is
no matter how much you care about her
i hate her.
i hate her.
i hate her.
she is all you care about right now.
she is all you need right now.
but she will fuck you over.
something will go wrong.
she will find out the truth
you will find out her secerets.
and i will be waiting.
to pick you up.
i hated her from the start, and my feelings remain the same.
i hate her.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
million.
so i duno wht but im amamzingly pissed off at the world right now and 95% of the people iv seen today.
though i had a good day
went to work first up, washed out some coulours and talked to some old ladies.
put some girls extentions in and what not.
relised i was peeling everywhere
my face is fucking peeling on my face, fail.
then i went to get a coffee, saw leon (froth) he had his hair up in a pony tail and i wanted to do him in the back room cuz im a honery little edge kid haha
( leon is this guy that works at zarraffers that i have not a chance in hell with)
then went to robina and met smitho and zac there.
spent an akward afternoon with them. im terrible with people, though zac is possibly the first new person iv met in a long time that iv actually not been compleatly shy around and wanted to run away or vomit on him, so thats a good sign haha.
i smell.
chilled with smitho and zac for the afternoon went to narange skate park and back to zacs house and what now, his family is lovely but im not very good with new people so i was shy and akward.
i had such a good day and it was nice haveing a socal life for an afternoon but i get home and my hate for everything returns and i continue to point out everything wrong about myself worstens
i need cuddles and a big cup of hot lovein.
ha i hate myself.
though i had a good day
went to work first up, washed out some coulours and talked to some old ladies.
put some girls extentions in and what not.
relised i was peeling everywhere
my face is fucking peeling on my face, fail.
then i went to get a coffee, saw leon (froth) he had his hair up in a pony tail and i wanted to do him in the back room cuz im a honery little edge kid haha
( leon is this guy that works at zarraffers that i have not a chance in hell with)
then went to robina and met smitho and zac there.
spent an akward afternoon with them. im terrible with people, though zac is possibly the first new person iv met in a long time that iv actually not been compleatly shy around and wanted to run away or vomit on him, so thats a good sign haha.
i smell.
chilled with smitho and zac for the afternoon went to narange skate park and back to zacs house and what now, his family is lovely but im not very good with new people so i was shy and akward.
i had such a good day and it was nice haveing a socal life for an afternoon but i get home and my hate for everything returns and i continue to point out everything wrong about myself worstens
i need cuddles and a big cup of hot lovein.
ha i hate myself.
Monday, January 26, 2009
hm
my stomach lays open for the world, my insides exposed and all emotions to be taken advantage of and ot be seen.
the black birds peck at the window.
they nest in my open body, tiny sticks form their home as they peck at my insides and make me feel lonley.
the skin closes over the black birds.
they cant get out now.
my tummy rumbles and other black birds peck at my tum trying to get to there loved ones.
what is a loved one?
i cant kick this feeling.
everything is wrong at the best of times.
axe cop cop cop
cop cop cop
all my emotion is drained and regained mixed with weird ones and other peoples.
i dont know what to think anymore.
he says i am this to him but he is nothing of that to me, nothing but more.
i am scum
i hate myself so much for makeing this more confuseing then it should be.
i should be happy for him.
caw caw caw
black birds scratch at my insides
let me out caw let me out caw
trapped.
the black birds peck at the window.
they nest in my open body, tiny sticks form their home as they peck at my insides and make me feel lonley.
the skin closes over the black birds.
they cant get out now.
my tummy rumbles and other black birds peck at my tum trying to get to there loved ones.
what is a loved one?
i cant kick this feeling.
everything is wrong at the best of times.
axe cop cop cop
cop cop cop
all my emotion is drained and regained mixed with weird ones and other peoples.
i dont know what to think anymore.
he says i am this to him but he is nothing of that to me, nothing but more.
i am scum
i hate myself so much for makeing this more confuseing then it should be.
i should be happy for him.
caw caw caw
black birds scratch at my insides
let me out caw let me out caw
trapped.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
laura
i do know you but i dont know you well.
i dont belive him, he wants to die all alone in this world.
you took my happiness, you took my heart.
the birds are singing, the lord has left, the birds are singing the world understands.
he want to be friends with my very own soul, to hold me and love me, to be me and know me. i dont belive him.
sleep will not come no sleep is not willing.
your smile sicks to the ground, this depression and darkness has broken me down.
oh this life and its faults never seem to amaze me.
the drugs the child takes, the axe the man use, the silence of his victum, the gods we worship, the birds are sining, the lord has died.
im sorry im negitivity and pain may dwell in my sould but i dont belive in fairy tale endings.
if you want to, you are really going to have to fight me.
he left me dreaming.
scream if your not here, no body belives me.
i cannot have this change, my head on his knee.
theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swimm and a garden with such beauty that the flowers seem to grin, theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swim, i will live my life regretting i never jumped in.
i dont belive him, he wants to die all alone in this world.
you took my happiness, you took my heart.
the birds are singing, the lord has left, the birds are singing the world understands.
he want to be friends with my very own soul, to hold me and love me, to be me and know me. i dont belive him.
sleep will not come no sleep is not willing.
your smile sicks to the ground, this depression and darkness has broken me down.
oh this life and its faults never seem to amaze me.
the drugs the child takes, the axe the man use, the silence of his victum, the gods we worship, the birds are sining, the lord has died.
im sorry im negitivity and pain may dwell in my sould but i dont belive in fairy tale endings.
if you want to, you are really going to have to fight me.
he left me dreaming.
scream if your not here, no body belives me.
i cannot have this change, my head on his knee.
theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swimm and a garden with such beauty that the flowers seem to grin, theres a house across the river but alas i cannot swim, i will live my life regretting i never jumped in.
Friday, January 23, 2009
take some time
so lost, so confuse i just dont know who to turn to.
who has the answers to all my problems?
iv watched my dreams die.
iv watched you destroy, rebuild and crush my life.
this life isnt for me.
"help me" she wispered in his ear
"i cant!" he exclaimed looking for her light.
when a dream is crush and broken and your life is put in the siguation where it can be roughly explained as 'rock bottom' you relise alot of things about your self and the other earthlings around you.
rock bottom isnt as bad as it sounds, its far far worst.
you cant really understand every levle of it because for that you would of had to face ever tragety known to man kind and anyothers we may not relise just yet that people are slowly dieing from each second. but what you shall realise about rock bottom is that there is no escape, the depression, self hate, world hate, stress, anxity,rage, or any other form of emotion that you fell while you are at rock bottom will never ever never leave you fully.
you can never change your life around that much. those suicidle attempts still fresh in your mind now your married with two kids, the past always aprears.
as much as you attempt to change yourself
you can change your name change your face, remove yourself from the socal siguation you were in.
do what you want.
the emotions that filled your broken soul once will never leave your side and its cloud will float behind you all your life and then rain on your life when ever it wants to.
this is forever.
who has the answers to all my problems?
iv watched my dreams die.
iv watched you destroy, rebuild and crush my life.
this life isnt for me.
"help me" she wispered in his ear
"i cant!" he exclaimed looking for her light.
when a dream is crush and broken and your life is put in the siguation where it can be roughly explained as 'rock bottom' you relise alot of things about your self and the other earthlings around you.
rock bottom isnt as bad as it sounds, its far far worst.
you cant really understand every levle of it because for that you would of had to face ever tragety known to man kind and anyothers we may not relise just yet that people are slowly dieing from each second. but what you shall realise about rock bottom is that there is no escape, the depression, self hate, world hate, stress, anxity,rage, or any other form of emotion that you fell while you are at rock bottom will never ever never leave you fully.
you can never change your life around that much. those suicidle attempts still fresh in your mind now your married with two kids, the past always aprears.
as much as you attempt to change yourself
you can change your name change your face, remove yourself from the socal siguation you were in.
do what you want.
the emotions that filled your broken soul once will never leave your side and its cloud will float behind you all your life and then rain on your life when ever it wants to.
this is forever.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
poo
throwing large objects at draw is fun
he wriggles and worms out of my aim until i get what i want him to do.
handy.
sacks pink spiders got mad at me today again, i never seem to make her happy.
or maby she never seems to make me happy.
the spiders crawled to me today, they wanted to hurt me, wanted to shh me.
boot was grumpy today, "that father of yours, hopeless"
and i was stable today, giggleing at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life which scares the shit out of me but all i can do is giggle because i know it is my fate and that is just how sometimes you must deal with fate, you must giggle.
i pick up the cold potato on my fork and put it in my mouth, blue shoes pours pink liquid in our tea and says
"drink up."
this isnt like the tea i make sack at home when her knees hurt, this tea makes you sleep with your eyes awake as you move unmotovated through the day.
the potato fills my mouth and i try to swollow but instead of down it gos up, up onto the table, i pick it up, no one sees and try again.
"go down"
it falls on the floor
"go down, go down, go down!"
i sit in my room that is not mine listerning to blue shoes pitter patter up and down the hall way.
black birds peck at the window from the outside and perch in each corner of my room watching me.
they want my red sticky.
i open my mouth slightly to inhale, i cannot close my mouth, black bird after black bird flock into my mouth
craw craw craw
they make a nest out of tiny sticks in my mouth and place their neck down my throat and drink all my red sticky, drain me of life.
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT, FUCK OFF, CAW!CAW! GET OUT!"
i lay there screaming this until blue shoes come in and hold me down and poke needel into the bone and presssss and thick mud pumps into me
thump thump thump
he wriggles and worms out of my aim until i get what i want him to do.
handy.
sacks pink spiders got mad at me today again, i never seem to make her happy.
or maby she never seems to make me happy.
the spiders crawled to me today, they wanted to hurt me, wanted to shh me.
boot was grumpy today, "that father of yours, hopeless"
and i was stable today, giggleing at the thought of being alone for the rest of my life which scares the shit out of me but all i can do is giggle because i know it is my fate and that is just how sometimes you must deal with fate, you must giggle.
i pick up the cold potato on my fork and put it in my mouth, blue shoes pours pink liquid in our tea and says
"drink up."
this isnt like the tea i make sack at home when her knees hurt, this tea makes you sleep with your eyes awake as you move unmotovated through the day.
the potato fills my mouth and i try to swollow but instead of down it gos up, up onto the table, i pick it up, no one sees and try again.
"go down"
it falls on the floor
"go down, go down, go down!"
i sit in my room that is not mine listerning to blue shoes pitter patter up and down the hall way.
black birds peck at the window from the outside and perch in each corner of my room watching me.
they want my red sticky.
i open my mouth slightly to inhale, i cannot close my mouth, black bird after black bird flock into my mouth
craw craw craw
they make a nest out of tiny sticks in my mouth and place their neck down my throat and drink all my red sticky, drain me of life.
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT, FUCK OFF, CAW!CAW! GET OUT!"
i lay there screaming this until blue shoes come in and hold me down and poke needel into the bone and presssss and thick mud pumps into me
thump thump thump
Monday, January 19, 2009
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