novel

All though summer is my favourite season, I much prefer the company of those who enjoy winter most. I don’t know what it is. But the people that like winter more normally attract me more as a friend. There is just something different about most of them that makes slotting into my life easier. Their reasons for preferring winter are normally quite interesting and raise a point to why winter is a good season, tho the only things I like about winter is cuddles and the clothing.

I met this boy once who shared my love for cats. One day he confessed to me he was actually allergic to cats. Now, if you are allergic to cats or you know someone who is you will know that they normally hate cats. So I asked this boy why he loved cats if all they did was cause him pain. His simple reply was

“They do what they want.”

set to snap

"The symptoms of a depressive episode often include an overwhelming feeling of emptiness or sadness, a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in normal sleep or appetite, and/or thoughts of dying or suicide."

In the past i have attempted to rid myself of these symptoms, i have tried possibly everything imaginable. but as time ticks buy i relise the only way i am going to starve myself of depression is to exept the fact that is is my fait as it was theirs.
"to execpt a problem you must first, confont it, dissuss and relise what has happend and why, then you must learn to live with the lost and accept the fact that no one is comeing back and you will be with them soon and that your life still gos on even tho you may want it to stop, people want you to be alive, there are people that love you. "

i have accept the fact that they are never comeing back and that i will end up the same, in saying this once i found that acceptance it did not calm me nor ease my pain. i have learnt to live with it, i speak about them but i know it is reality and i have adjusted my life so it can suit the way they are now.
depression is a dease, you get medication and you go to doctors like you do when you get the flu or the chicken pox, difference being that i will now have to live with depression for the rest of my life. this dark cloud always over my head, leading me to break down or over react at most things.
i get asked why i am upset and most of the time it is just all these little things bunched together and in the end i just snap.

and

as we do our wrongs we attempt to mend them.
we strive once more to please man kind, for we are just one indivigual and we as humans crave attention and praise and love of those of others alike.
so we blind our problems and move on in hope to one day get noticed.

Ian Ewin.

Subject:

Breeony Lee Summerville

Body:

The only person I've posted a bulletin about this year. The only person I'd drop everything & run to if she was in trouble The only person that I can say I love you to & mean it. This is not a romantic bulletin of any kind, you are the closest thing I have to a best friend & you'd be my little sister if I didn't already have one. Nobody trash-talks, abuses, hurts or uses you without having to deal with me. Everyone that knows me, knows that I'm not just saying that either.. You're not nothing bee, you are everything, just to a very select few. Remember that.

i dont know where i would be without this boy.

small bits out of the novel im writeing

story of a vegan teenager. who looses everything and gains in the end love.

not as sappy as it sounds.

these are just parts of what i have written so far.

might give you a small idea of it and the way i write.



Hey death.


It amazes me how this earth can seep by so quickly as us earthlings remain oblivious to the beauty, the nature, the cruelty and the natural disaster that our world has become. We all live in our own world, most of us choosing to block out the bad that happens in the world around them, filling their lives with fake smiles and endless relationships. There are those who are aware and just choose to feel sorry about it but remain their distance and do not interrupt the road hill track our plant is taking. Then there are those that travel to third world countries, bringing their people food and water and gifts at Christmas time. Our first instinct is to help man kind; we take petty in our own kind, when animals, plants and our earth alike are left to suffer. We take petty on man kind; we take petty on our own kind when most do not deserve our petty or help. We try so hard to please everyone around us we become stuck in that pattern and loose ourselves, even if we do not relies it we are all slipping away day by day. What the fuck is wrong with life? A broken generation that has become so self cantered we have lost most meaning to anything. We have appreciation for nothing. Do you ever wonder why you're alive? Just wish that this might be your time, your time to die. My name is Eden and I don’t stand a chance.



Getting scars.


He was wearing big black boots, a leather jacket, skinny leg jeans and a head band to help control his long blond hair when he met my mother. They were both 18, straight out of high school and set on the path for the rest of their lives. She wanted to be a flight attendant, to travel around the world. He played in a band and body boarded everyday, back when body boarding wasn’t cool. He a young man just wanting to have fun she with a dream to excel in a career.

They had both seek shelter in a book store from the violent storm that had suddenly struck their tiny home town of Ipswich by surprise while both were running errands.

She was drenched. Her white summer dress stuck to her body. He was cold and wet his long locks dripping with water. And then their eyes met, it was like an unscripted fairy tale really. Two lonely souls meet, love at first sight, he offers to buy her coffee and then spend the rest of the afternoon together talking like old friends followed by him walking her home after the storm clears laughing as they go and a goodnight kiss on her door step.

Mum kept him wanting and dad loved the chase.









Sorry I had one of my head phones in.


Often I hear girls in the bathroom at school, girls that I see around and they have little effect on me but always seem to be with a close group of girl friends and seem to have it pretty easy, as if they have excepted themselves and don’t have to live up to anyone’s judgements. I sit there and listener to them chats. From the safety of my escape stall. They chat about gymnastics, they are all into gymnastics. They talk about movies and boys, although they are the same age as I they are very immature and very naive, maybe this is what I have mistaken for self acceptance.

“I’m invisible to everyone.” I heard one girl state one day while applying her small amount of blush that she sneaks to school because her mother wont let her leavening the house with makeup on. “My parents never notice me and today Felix walked straight pasted me when I said hi to him” she went on.

Felix is the boy she likes, most girls do. I don’t really see the big fuss; girls just like it because he’s a bit metro sexual and expresses his emotions, which I find bluntly annoying.

After this small rant on being invisible her friends comfort her, tell her she’s beautiful and her parents love her and that Felix was problem just distracted or maybe had one of his head phones in the ear she couldn’t see.


Young boys and toy guns.


As children Hide and seek were Sky, thorp and my favourite game. With the three of us set loose in our house of everything we could spend a whole day playing it. As I grew older it became a game for only me. I would hide, normally in a little spot in the garden that used to be Thorps cubby house but then he broke his ankle when he fell off the big brick wall and never went back there again. Back then all the braches used to be chopped back leaving about a 4square meter clearing in our mini rain forest so he could play. It was cool and a heaven for young boys. Now it was my escape. The clearing had turned into more of a patch big enough for me to sit down on a run in and seek. Seek the meaning of things, why things were happening, and find new things out about myself. Hide and seek.



My bird cage.


The house we live in is full of clutter, well I call it clutter, dad calls it a heap of shit and mum calls it holding onto the past. Personally I don’t like a house cluttered with the past. We have photos of my brother and sister everywhere and to tell you the truth it doesn’t really help me get over their deaths.


I will eat your childeren.


befor i die i want to date a boy who wears smart looking glasses and has both sides of his nose peirced, a boy who passed university and is now in the midway struggle of finding his new caree and himself. a boy with a coulourfl mohawk that pops pills like skittles. and a boy that rides a motobike without shoe. Then i will finaly settle down with some old rich guy that shares my love for cats and i shall lounge around the pool throwing Cigarettes at the topless pool boy.

the blue tounge wants to kill me

yep, thats right.
his name is jackie chan and he lives in my garage.
and he wants to kill me.
i have to lock the dorr between the house and the garage just in case
ok
here the story of how i am now being stalked by a blue tounge.
its not very long but after it you will understand my silly rants.
ok ahh i think it was i dont know, sometime this week.
i went for a bike ride down to burleigh
and i was riding down my street on my way to burleigh and i looked on the road just as i felt i ran over something.
i looked down and i see a fucking blue tounge. (jackie chan)
so i turn around to see how much damage my peice of shit bike has done
turns out i only ran over the tip of his tail.
so i just left him.
next day i was getting some meat out of the freezer in the garage. and i hear this like massive rattle next to me and then a big think of wood fell above me, just missing my head.
so i picked it up thought it was just the wind and went inside.
next day i was about to get in the car when i heard russling in the shit next to me.
i looked down and jackie was sitting right in front of me sticking his little blue tounge in and out at me.
like normaly anything like that would shit its pants and run away
but he just sat there staring at me until i almost shit my pants and got in the car.
and today when i got home from work. jackie chan was sitting in the middle of the garage waiting for me.
so now im scared.

shallow whore

yesterday was possibly the happiest iv been in a while
i got to see my bestfriend ian
i really dont know what i would do without him
he is silly with two yucky ankles but i liked just chilling with him
weird people on the train
i sat infront of a man who was yelling at himself and next to a girl who played techno too loud
on the way up
and then on the way back i was sitting neat decent people and then this weird indian man came sat next to me and there were like spear seats not next to people
so the minurt he went to sit down i got up and moved
burn
but yes
ian is amazing.
today was cute
i started the day shit and upset but i went to work and did three little girls hair and they drew me pictures so that made me happy :)
then i just went for a bike ride down to burleigh
was so nice just to exercise and its always a nice ride there
i think i might dye my hair brown.
im pretty confused at the moment.
all in all good two days and pretty happy
gossip girl tonight XD yippy

needs

i hate this feeling
im left alone in this big empty house that is so far from home
i feel like im being watched and i need this company
the silance is killing me but im scared if i kill it i will miss a beat.
i need friends
i need a car
i need money

this generation fails
i hate my age
i hate people my age
a few go alright
so yar
nothing makes sense to me
so lately iv been feeling down
its like there no more room for a hopeful town
i need to belive in somethingnew to belive in me like i belive in you.
use our heads and open our minds
nothing changes unless we change ourselfs
pointless days with pretty clouds.
josh stayed over last night and we went to the beach and it was stunning.
and now im getting upset that i cant add dangers songs to my profile
gr
some shit house photos from my shit house camera from today and that storm ages ago






there are more but they are all shit like these ones and i cant be fucked editing them
i miss my good camera

this year

IN every persons life there is a time when they relise they do not have to change to please everyone
it might hapen when they are young or old
it might happen ater a death of a loved one or a seris of mistakes they make
what ever it is everyone must relise it one day
AT the start of the year i went "ME" serching
i changed alot, i tried new things i learnt and i grew as a person
opened my eyes to alot of things and shut my mind to others
i made the biggest choice of my life to become edge and it was possibly the best choice i have ever met.
THIS year i went through alot
i became very ill
lost two friends to suicide
and all the other dramas in between
ON my search i founf more things i like
and alot of things i do not life.
i made new friends
and i pushed them away and with that i discovered i am a mean persona nd not easy to get along with
i found some people that didnt run away when i met them and those people who are now my "true" friends.
i found my bestfriend ian nothing has been the same since i have met him. he has changed me as a person. when i met him i was on the verg of giveing up and takeing my own life.
he gave me a different look on life and for that i owe him my life.
THROUGHOUT the year i went through many stanges. and some that lasted all of one week and some that i felt added my my puzzle of life and i stuck with. i think my biggest mistake of a phase is one i made in early april. and thats really when my life changed.
it was the stage where i thought i had to change myself to how i thought people wanted me to be you could say i was quite the "try hard". that phase lead to a life changing event and that even sunk me into depression. i will always have that black cloud over my head and i have to live with this depression for most of my life.
AND so after this event i became obsessive and annoying to guys thinking they were the only thing that could numb my pain (note i was still in the change to please everyone stage)
so with myspace as my aid i assed and obsessed over guys who i now know think im a fuck head and i adgree i was then and has only been in the last four or so months when i snapped out of that stage and relised i was changing so much for everyone elese my quest to find myself had been forgotten and i had compleatly lost myself.
So in loosing yourself you relise its hard to remember who you truely are and even tho i was never really certain i did not like the person i was becomeing and the path my life was heading.
I WILL not say i do not try to please people and when every person enters your life, changes must be made to accomidate them. but i have learnt only to please for the ones who deserve it not some random you meet on myspace and think is hot, i have learnt only to change when it feels right to you and do not try to be anything just to fit in qith certain people.
SO sure i am still a bit clueless about myself and this stange world we live in but right now i am happy with my choices at this point and like the direction i am going in, and altho i still dislike myself and self exceptence is not going to happen anytime soon i continue my search for "ME"

home

i miss football
or soocer what you will
my life has stoped with this sickness
and that game is my life.

and so this is christmas
this one is going to be like all the others
fake smiles and too much food the only time my hole family comes together and trys to enjoy themself
i actually wanted to buy people girls this year.
others it had be nothing but a task but this year i actually thought about what i wanted to get each person.
but you need money to buy gifts..

so iv started at this new salon, so far so good but i know it will end up like every other job.
ill be heading there today for hours that i can hardly stay on my feet for because im still sick
mum dosnt know, she thinks im fine and i prefer it that way
i suffer by myself with no sympony from anyone.
twilight comes out today
very excited.
better go get ready
xx

on the first day.

he stood there in silence and held my hand as the boat pulled into dock.
rain danced infront of our eyes. my hair curled at the fringe and pulled back from my face.
I wore a long frock in and my best hat. he wore his uniform, the one they had been given, the one he would die in. women, infents, childeren and boys no older then 17 would get into the lard military boat that was being tied to the dock as we stood there in silence. I was 18, married, happily. he was 20, a young solider and now i had to leave him behind with his child in my stomach never to meet it's father.
the boats horn sounded, i looked up at his blank eyes, hiding the emotion he had shown the night befor, the emotion he let destroy him. he had been so excited to be a father, then this war began and we knew at once he would end with it. the sadness deepened in my eyes. i never wanted to see him unhappy and as his hand tighted on me i knew he was just that. i bent down and picked up my suit case that was once my mothers. his hand still tight in mine.
we steped into the gental rain and as it hit his face he began to cry thinking the rain would hide his tears, not from me.
his head turned to me as we reached the enterence to the boat, childeren crying, ladys wimpering around us, tho it seems it was only us. it was like the bad bit in a fairy tail, but unlike a fairy tail, nothing was going to be ok and there was no chance of a happy ending.
his lips touched mind for what would be tha last time and our bodys were at once one.
and with that i was gorn, swept with the crown, with no goodbye just the last call from his begging eyes.
the first night was the hardest, tho the never were easy. howls from destory wifes and broken childern echoed through the boat. but i stayed quite, sitting in the darkness holding my inlarged stomach, the only reason i did not feel empty was knowing he was still inside of me.
and so the night went on and even tho my life had stoped the world had and i knew this pain was going to remain.
we had met when i was 12 and he 14, if love at first sight had of been real it was what we had, when i was 15 and he 17 we married. it was the most beautiful day of my life. and now we were never to see each other again.
we were fed little on the boat for they felt it was such a big deal they had taken us away from the war that we had little other privlages. the boats were dirty and lonely with many of the women staying in bed all day suffering from depression or sea sickness.
we were going to a better land but it did not bring us hope.
i wondered the boat talking to my bub to be as i went, no one throught of this as crazy as many of the women were actully mentaly ill from the fact they had just left their husbands to die.
the childeren didnt know any better
and they ran and played around the boat excied about the new adventures ahead of them.
they elder childeren knew better tho, the older boys conforted their mothers and never left their side, they were not forced to fight and it was a choice for them to stay or go.
most of them were wise boys, knowing there was no way of survial others were forced by their mothers.
it rained every day on that boat the glum weather matching the mood of the boat.
on the 18th day i was wondering the decks speaking to my bub when i heard a faint cry, it did not sound like one of the howling women but a young man so i followed the crys to the poring rain on the front deck.
it was a young boy, probly around 16 17. he had short blond hair that driped wet in the rain and was wearing a uniform as my husband had on that last day. i stood a distance behind him not knowing what to do, i had never seen a man cry nor weep like this.
as i steped into the rain he turned his head hearing my foot steps.
he stoped his crying and stood in silence just staring into my eyes with his cold hurt eyes.
"i should be back there" he annoced in a quite voice.
"my mother lost her bother, her husband and her father to that war, how i got on this boat i do not know"
"i should be back there."
i just stood there in shock, his words makeing little sence to me.
he fell to the ground and i moved foward to confornt this broken man.
as i bent down his hurt eyes once more met mine.
"Joseph" he said with a sniffle intorducing himself
"mary" i replyied

on the 18th night i got very sick. my throat swole up and i had terrible stomach cramps, i was bed bouned. in the short time joseph and i had become good friends, the company was a big left of both our sholders. he sat by my bed while i was sick.
on the 20th day i woke with terrible terrible stomach cramps. i woke joseph who had been sleeping on the floor next to my bed these nights while i slept.
my baby. i must be haveing my baby.
joseph ran and got the ships doctor.
on the morning of the 21st day i recived news.
joseph walked quitely into the empty bunk room i layed in.
he walk to my bed side and placed his hand on mine.
his hurt eyes looked into mine.
"im so sorry" his voice broke as he spoke.
the only thing keeping me as one. the only bit of him i still had. my baby. our child.
our child had died in my stomach. stangled on the umblical cord.
our baby.
all that i had left to belive in.
"what the fuck should i being in now" i said quitly
after that the next days were a blurr
i sliped in and out of sleep and sunk into depression.

on the 34th day joseph was walking in the decks. when he heard the quite wimpering of a woman over the pouring rain.
he followed the crys to the rain the covered the front deck. standing there was a young woman possibly 18, no older. he stood at a safe distance not knowing what to do, he knew this woman all too well and her sadness broke his heart. he had fallen in love with this girl and had tried so hard to protect her in the short time they had known eachother.
she turned around to the sounds of his foot steps.
her cold broken eyes meeting his.
"its all gorn, i have nothing, no one in this new world." she said slowly struggling to get her sadened words out above the loud rain.
as she fell to her knees he kneeled to confort her.
her broken eyes meeting his hurt eyes once more.
"you have me" he replied gentaly scooping her into his arms her long brown hair splashed agenst his face in the rain.
and that day he sat with me for hours.
hours as i cried, hours in silence.
until the next day.
on that day the rain stoped for the first time.
the sun shone brightly through the grey clouds that floated in the sky.
"mary?" he said breaking the long scilence.
"yes?" i replyed croakly my throat dry from the endless crys.
"you can belive in me" joseph said as he held my head to face his gentaly.

on the 32nd day our ship arrived in our new land.
our new land that we had ran away to.
our new land where non of knew what to expect.
non of us had carried any hope.
i steped off that boat. my hand trembling in his.
with something to belive in.

puzzles.

"i rode into town just to see his face
the only face that keeps me sane
as my hair blew gentaly in my hair and my eyes stung slightly in the fresh air
i began to dream, a dream for the awake.
how did i get myself into this, and now here i am, running away from myself into the dream of his arms. His breath so sweet and warm on my face when he looks into my eyes with his.
on my bike i pass feild after feild, i pass smileing horses and grazing cattle.
leaves dance in the wind, and the afternoon sun shines off a tiny lake in the passing feilds.
only 6kms now.
everything looks fresh after last nights rain and i begin to wonder why he is my escape.
my little legs feel as if they are about to break, it is dusk now.
now the nights sky drains over me and i begin to cry.
he is escape from my real life, my perents abuse and their dissapointment. from my schooling and the pressure in my small town, the disaproveing smile for the people in town, just one mistake and it turns your life upside down. sometimes it dosnt even take that.
i have never fit into anywhere other then his arms, like a puzzle peice that had been missing from my life.
its raining now. it always rains here at night, gives our farmers new hope and our town fresh water to drink, anythings better then the drought.
my dress is soaking and my hat almost covers my eyes, my hair is flattened on my cheeks and my feet are covered in new mug.
i ride faster. into the darkness on this dirt road.
im in town now.
i slow my pace but look straight ahead. the streets are filled with loud music and the calls from strange men in pubs catch my ears as i pass.
i ride through the park to get to him quicker.
on the path i cannot see ahead of me, so i ride into this new darkness that fills my head with fear.
my pace is still slow, my teird legs can hardly move.
i collaps. my head hits the ground hard and my body and legs tangle in my bike.
i lay there, for too long, the pain seeps slowly in and out of my body. i see blood on my baby blue dress and i slowly take my hat off still lying down.
i lay there, for too long.
this was a stupid idea i think to myself as tears once again fill my eyes with this self hate.
the type of tears you know are for other reasons but you can only blame them on yourself.
my head thumps from the fall. thump. thump. thump. in time with hearts in the pubs that i passed, in time is foot steps walking in the streets.
foot steps getting closer. thump .thump .thump. louder and louder they get as the thumping in my head is replaced with panick.
thump.. thump. thump.
his cold hands are on me,
his short laugh fills the air. the short laugh of a stranger, the cold hands of a man.
i cannot move in the fear. my body to sore to fight back.
a fight i would surely loose if i was well. his strong heavy body presses agenst mine.
after the pain he leaves me. with his short laugh trailing after him,
i dont know what to do. that was not new but never with a stranger, never when i did not want to.
i lay there and let the rain wash away my new feeling of disgust, i feel so dirty.
i lay there, for too long.
then something inside me kicks.
this is what happend things get bad and i run to him, my puzzle peice.
i got up and staired down on my dirty dress that mother made me for my birthday last year.
blood, mud and rips cover my once best dress.
i know i look a mess and my puzzle peice will possibly run at the sight of me. but i get up pick up my hat and continue the path on foot.
the path gos quick my head rushed with too many emotions to think straight.
the path in the park leads to a big open street filled with shops. he works late in that shop just there. he works alone tonight and i am normaly welcome.
i limp in the direction of the store. the music from the pubs cannot be heard here and the only sounds are the rain on the pavment and my brused feet slowly stumbleing across the road. to the store that he works in.
im at the door. he has his back to me, my puzzle peice. i am still crying and the tears seem to flow more then i see him.
i knock once quietly not to startle him. he slowly turns around
and there he is, my puzzle peice, my escape, my world and my only joy.
he stops when he sees my dress stops and then picks up his pace to the door with worry pasted on his face.
he opens the door and there is a small pause, he just stairs at me with his big brown eyes and my tears flow even stronger.
then he kisses me. he has never kissed me like this and it makes me feel warm in this rain.
"come inside and we will clean you up love."
he says holding my hand and leading me into the store
my puzzle is compleat."

gripp

it was one of those pills that make you beg for the deepest sleep
the type that sends you into that sleep only to wake you countless times
and then in the morning when you finaly must leave your eyes open
leaves you feeling groggy and unpleasent
i had a terrible day yesterday
had one of my little break downs that i hadnt had in so long
its like im going backwards
spinning back into this depression that i now know has certainly not left me
sucks
off to work i go
they are just useing me
fuck that