seven

went on a shopping spree today
things are looking up
i got a nice new boyfriend
things are looking up
i dont know what i would do without my bestfriend ian
things are looking up.

six

i hate this fucking city
i hate this fucking place
i hate these fucking rules
i hate my fucking mother
i hate this fucking air
i hate you fucking people
i hate this fucking house
i hate my fucking self
im so fucking mad
no matter how on top of the world i am
somehow my mother always seems to bring me down
oh i hate myself so much
and i have my stupid fucking tight cunt of a mother to blame

five

its been a while that i have ridden down to burleigh and only seen stand ups
i took some photos
please dont judge me on them im a little bit rusty, had to brush the cobwebs off my camra..






there are some more but ill edit them later.

four

walking, breath in your scent
your eyes are cold
your hands, warm on mine
for a second you stop
for a second i freeze
"do you see it?", you ask tone gental as the light breeze that flows gentily over our bodys.
i can't see it
tho i squint
tho i try
i cannot see it
you repeat, your tone harsher, filled with concern.
my throat drys, my answer chamber to my thoughts.
my mouth opens wide to scream out "no, there is nothing to see!"
but my answer remains chamber in my thoughts.

three

well that didnt last long lol
its crazy
i hate myself that much that no matter how happy i can get
reality always comes crashing down and my lack of selfconfidence and self hate creeps into the smallest cracks and makes me upset.
i dont think this will ever turely be fixed
i think i may be stuck with this problem for life
i push everyone away until finaly im left with knowone
and then
when someone actualy wants in
when someone actualy sees me as a friend
i get scared
because i know that no one ever lasts
and no one ever will
and my trust issues become a problem and once more i am pushing
pushing with all my might so im not hurt when it comes to the end
but i just realised
the only person im hurting is myself, i am the one left with no one
and in fact i am never going to make a difference in anyones life, no one is ever going too look back and be like wow
that girl was amazing i dont know what i would do without her.
no one
no one relys on me, i am unwanted, i am unworthy of anyones love
my past is so strong in my head, all the betraly
all the lies
all the pain and all the broken, still lays fresh in my mind, still paint to dry.
im broken

two

quite happy today
odd
i got my formal dress
and its nice to be happy
daddys a gem
he got the arvo off work and bought me a dress and shoes.

one

i rember his favourt colour was yellow.
i rember how scared his breath was cold on my face after we would argue.
i rember his face when he landed a new trick.
i rember how he used to hold me tight when i got scared in storms.
i rember when he said he would never let go.

letting go of someone you love, that you trust, that you wanted to be apart of your life forever isnt easy, i am yet to meet a person who would state that they take the task with ease.
its scary, how in one second how things can change.
that the person that was holding on let go and with that your hole life spirls down, with there broken grip into a pool of nothing into a world where everything is a blurr and nothing feels right.

im stuck there
i rember the night he left.
i rember the last phone call from him.
i rember the very next day.
i rember his funeral.