A series of unfortunate events

so today
i lost my job
yep
my job
like
laters job
so like
now i dont have a job and shit yea?
so like
i was sick yea and they were like
yea we understand we understand dont worry we will have your job when you come back
so i come back today
still feeling like shit but i was like hey i feel bad for them ill tell them ill be good to work from this weekend on
i go in and see this chick iv never seen befor and i was like yea ok
and then my boss was like blah blah we hired someone yesterday we dont need you anymore
and i just kinda stood there in shock
and if josh wasnt there i probs would of been the biggest mess ever
so yes, hole life on pause

so tonight i get home my room has been cleaned yay and mummy has made potato bake cuz it makes me happy
dad gets home and its like 4 mins of quite and then the arguing starts
i had to eat dinner in my room with the music on as loud as it could go to block out their yelling
so after that yar i go out here
and i want to watch my shows
but dad starts on all this shit about work and i dont want to talk about it so i tell him that and he keeps going
so i get mad
voice my oppinion
tell him that he cant expect to speak to people anyway he wants and then think to get away with out people people speeking to him the same way
so i dont yell
just tell him how i feel
and then im in my room balling my eyes out
i jsut want to shop
it makes everything better
tomorrow and thursday should be good fingers crossed
goodnight

alone

so here we go
im gorwing up, so fast, like some dick head pressed the fast forward in the best bit and the movie is speeding by.
my little brother, i used to look down at him, he was so small, so innocent
he now towers over me, looks down at me, when did he get so tall?
why did my little brother have to grow up befor my own eyes
because if he is growing up i am drawn to the fact rhat i would have to be as well.
my blind eyes out of never never land and chucked into the big scary world, wide and alert to everything
dont get me wrong, i do like change and never really have stayed the same for a long period of time
the only thing i have stuck to is being edge and my soccer
everything else speeds past like traffic on a highway.
i just want to stop and savour ever moment i have
cuz soon my body my soul and my life will follow my eyes into the big wide world
and i know i wont be ready.

hey death

Black eye date tonight

with what's left of my life 'cause I've been living like I'm staring death right in its eyes and it stares back at me and whispers in my ear the way you're living now it wont be long 'till you'll be here hey death, i don't know much and this may sound trite but what the fuck is wrong with life a broken generation that's fantasized of being washed out with the tides and ill miss my memories but they've always been behind me and i look forward i doubt that many more are coming hey do you ever wonder why you're alive? just think right now might be your time time to die hey death I'm a fucking mess can you stop this beating in my chest

no dude

soo terribly over being sick
im actully getting mad
like
im yelling about it
im so over being so teird
i just want it to stop
think i might fake better lol
i need a fake tan that reminds me
shit day good people
just chilling now in my house cleaning cloths
listerning to pickles myspace song
lol
ahh i want to go back to work
i smell
really bad
ewy
man oder
sooo much thiking today
and now i have to watch a dvd
laters skaters.

sell your daughter

pretty scared ay
really hate how everything is moveing so fast
like, not time but people
people not matureing but thinking ahead
its too much
i joke about future but never think of anything seriousely
then i get these sugestions from people out of know where and its like
smack righttt in the face
slow downn
live every day like it is your last
dont expect much cuz you never know when its guna be your last day
i do not like to get attached to people
i have supidly let myself get attached so much to ian its crazy but i have a feeling he wont hurt me terriblily (touch wood)
im just scared of commitment to people i guess
i have been hurt alot and the past and future both worry me.
im not ready for much to change.

what dose blue feel like?

my fingers are aching.
i fell as if im falling into a chasm
or sinking into the mire
i cant escape
and i dont know if i really want to
i want it to be over my whole life
extinct
refusing to contemplate that blackness
within me has started to seep outwards
there is a black hole draining all my energy away
my pillow is like a sponge
night after night they soak up tears
and i dont know why im crying
we are born
learn what we need to know
and then start thinking
there must be more to this!
search for answers
find none
fall in and out of this stupid thing called love
and die
leaveing the rest of the world
unperturbed
i cought myself stareing out the window today
out into the miserable rain
i saw a bird in a tree shakeing off the rain from its feathers
and ducks in next doors yards seltering from the rain
then i saw this girl hair tangled her eyes black and cold
if eyes are the window to the soul
then mine must be empty
i am
human
and i make
mistakes
but i can
grow
and
change
i am followed by this shaddow
it follows me around
and pops up at the strangest of times
no matter how great my day is
this shaddow waits behind me
ready to pounch on any joyful emotions i choose to express
I cannot controll my shaddow
only feed it with the emotion that it wants.
just like sinking in the water
i am being pulled under
the shadows pull me under
by myself
sometimes i feel
as if i am
watching myself drown
pulling myself down
watching myself drown
my perents
my grandperents
my teachers
my boss
i can't please them
u cant understand why i have to live up to there expectations
i just want to get out of here

takeing one for the team

really can not wait till i get my new camera for chirstmas.
i broke another one last night :..
i couldnt sleep so i decided to call mitch to take me down to burleigh
we we went down to burleigh and i like start climbing on the rocks like a 3 year old
splashing in rock pools and what not with my camera in my hand
it was dark and everything was really slipery
and even tho i am possibly the best climber youll ever meet *giggles*
i often lost my balance
so i had a tourch and i was shineing it on a see snail and then slip
i like almost fell but my camera took one for the team
mitch found it funny
something tells me mums only guna get me a cheap camera next time lol
fuck
what to do what to do
i dont want to try today fuck that
i gave it a go yesterday only to end the day like poo
tho ian sent me a text and made me happy and josh was being cute and that pretty much made my day.
over rain
over being sick
over life.


last photos my camera took
they are shit fuck up but i dont care.